Monday, 30 May 2016

Crazy Positive!!!!

I've never been one of those people who seems to spend an inordinate amount of time finding things to be outraged about. I guess I probably seem indifferent about a lot things. I must confess, I avoid watching the news. I don't get riled up about all manner of issues.

I've avoided rambling on too much here about my cancer 'journey'. I'm not really sure why. Probably a number of reasons. For one thing, my boys might read it. For another, even I don't want to think about cancer all the time, let alone some one else. 

But one of the things that drives me batty is people's insistence that you must be positive ALL THE TIME. 

It's obvious that I'm not a cheerful, upbeat, bubbly, person. Never have been, never will be. But I'd like to think I'm not the extreme opposite of that either. I'm not a draining, whinging, 'negative Nelly' or 'Debbie Downer'. I've made no secret of the fact that I struggle with anxiety. Despite my struggles, I still try to keep things light-hearted here, because this is my happy place and I want people to leave here with a smile. So I'm not totally negative.

But I don't understand how people think you can be positive all the time in the face of something as confronting as cancer. Sure, we've all met or heard of people who seem to be, but I'm certain even they have their dark moments. After all, we're all human and no one wants to be told that they or a loved one has cancer. 

However, in the spirit of keeping things light-hearted, I've decided that all those Positive Polly's just may be right. Positive Polly's as opposed to Negative Nelly's. They shall henceforth be referred to in this post as PP's in an effort to be succinct. And just because I'm juvenile and like to call some one a Pee Pee. *Sniggers*

Yes indeed folks, perhaps POSITIVITY is the answer to everything!!!!! I put it in capitals because all the PP's seem to be so ENTHUSIASTIC about it and pepper their conversations and Facebook updates with multiple exclamation points. I barely have the energy to type them, let alone infuse so much effervescence into any interaction. But not anymore!!!!!!!!

That's right people, you heard it here first!!! I'm going to give positivity a red hot go. WARNING; Many exclamation points ahead!!!! Proceed at your own peril!!!!

From now on everything is just FABULOUS, FANTASTIC, BRILLIANT and utterly WONDERFUL!!!!! You are what you think, after all. And I think I'm AWESOME!!!!

In fact, The Lego Movie got it right. EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!!!! Yes, even Lego! If it decorates the floor on a daily basis and I tread on it and suffer pain multiple times a day, then that's just a reminder of my beautiful children who are inspired to create things with the Lego. The fact that they mostly create a mess is COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT!!!

Isn't is just amazing to be alive? Another day has arrived, glistening with possibility. The autumn sun shines it's glorious warmth over my home. Previously I was never a morning person. But now that I'm so POSITIVE I simply cannot wait to get out of bed in the morning!!!!! Especially because my weekdays begin with that most THRILLING of tasks: packing school lunches!!! YAY!!!The only thing more fulfilling is throwing out the half eaten ones from the day before. Excellent!

Now I am joining the ranks of happy, shiny, people on social media posting endless updates about my fascinating and rewarding life. Hashtagblessed hashtaggrateful hashtaglifeisgood hashtagpositivitypowerof. Oops. Strike that, reverse it! Hashtagpowerofpositivity

Apparently if you smile even when you don't feel like it, you can trick yourself into being happy. Related: my jaw is aching. But I'm SO HAPPY!!!!! Yep. Delirious with joy, loving life, high on the pure wonder of being alive!!!! I don't sound ever so slightly unhinged, do I??? I didn't think so!!!!


I can't believe it has taken me so long to see the light!! Hang on, that deserved capitals. SEE. THE. LIGHT. I am well. I am joyous. I am safe in the World. Everything is working out for my highest good. Positive affirmations are my friend!!!!!  Let's totally ignore the fact that I repeated these statements to myself ad nauseum for months and years in the past and then shitty things happened anyway. 

Whatever I put out to the universe WILL come back to me. Which probably explains why all I ever wanted from the universe was copious cakie things and consequently I now have a spare tyre and a double chin. But that doesn't matter because I am perfect as I am! My body is unique, resplendent, a gift and good health is my divine right!!!! I know it!! 

No, I'm not having a nervous breakdown AT ALL. What are you talking about?????

You guyz!!! This positivity shiz is freaking DOPE. I can't imagine how I ever thought it was ANNOYING AF. What was I thinking?? Those days are over!!!!

Now that I'm so POSITIVE I can see that all the PP's were totally right: EVERYTHING DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON!!!!!

I mean, I'm sure there's a reason why children get cancer and senseless things happen in the world on a daily basis, even if I haven't figured out what the reason is yet...

And I now know that breast cancer was the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME because now I'm a changed woman!!!!

Previously pink made me puke, but now I have to constantly THINK PINK!!! Why not? Pink is good! Pink flowers, pink champagne, pink clothes, pink cupcakes, pink lipstick, PINK music, pink EVERYTHING!!!! In fact, why don't I just channel Barbara Cartland and make everything in my entire life pink???!!! Our house desperately needs a makeover.  I do live with a family of males, but it's time to dispense with gender stereotypes anyway! Pink it is! Even for the boys rooms! 

It's going to be SUBLIME! 

I need this bedroom! It's so pink and ME!!!

Tonight when I have to cook dinner in my teeny, tiny, postage-stamp sized kitchen, I will not let out a blood-curdling scream of frustration like I did the other night. No siree. I will be calm and centred and full of gratitude for my chops and veg. The lumps in my mashed potatoes will be lumps of fairy sunshine suffused with sheer delight. When my children reject this food, I will not feel peeved and put out. I will lovingly let them eat toast. Well, they haven't starved yet so it's all good, right?? It's better than good, it's BRILLIANT. 

OH EM GEE I am floating on air.  I'm not going to whinge and whine about the cold weather. The fact that people insist that it's 'easy' to get warm in winter (as opposed to cooling off in summer) while my feet are permanent blocks of ice, despite my rather fetching attire of trackies, a parka, beanie and uggs, doesn't bother me at all.  Noice. There is so much to look forward to: housework and supervising homework, and more housework and more supervising homework. I can now do it with this permanent cheesy grin fixed on my face. I don't look like a lunatic. Whatever gives you that idea? 




*Pauses for breath..* 

Good God, that was the longest five minutes of my life. Being positive is freaking EXHAUSTING. 

Now the only thing I'm positive about is that I need a good lie down.

But before I go, a question for all you PP's out there:

What drugs are you on and where do I get them? 

Linking up for I Must Confess.

What's the one thing that drives you crazy?

Monday, 23 May 2016

A Starfish Named Ness

I contemplated writing this post while drunk, just for something different, but it's only 10.30 on a Monday morning.  Oh wait...perfectly good excuse to drink! Especially when you wake up with a rotten cold, sore throat and headache. I couldn't feel any worse, could I?  Hmmm...on second thought, I'll stick to tea. 

I've never been much of a drinker, unless you count tea. And I do. It's totally addictive for me. Plus it leads to harder, more sinister addictions. It's serious, people. First it's an innocent cup of tea, then suddenly it's progressed to tea AND cake. Shocking. 

Anyway, what was the point of this post? Oh yes, I was going to entertain you with the scintillating details of the first and only time I got drunk.Yep, I'm SUCH a party animal. There was only once. I've been tipsy many times, but pissed? Not really. 

The thing is, I don't really enjoy that drunken feeling. I don't tolerate alcohol well. One or two drinks are OK. I feel relaxed and pleasant. However, if I make the mistake of pushing on to a third or fourth drink, it very quickly goes to my head. I detest that seasick, head-whirling sensation. Consequently I've never made a habit of getting drunk.

I've noticed that other people can drink and drink and drink AND DRINK and it seemingly doesn't effect them. No such luck for me. Sigh.

But let's get back to the story of the one and only time I was shit-faced slightly intoxicated.

Picture it. The Hunter Valley, 1992. A young 21 year old Ness with a poodle perm, wearing a body suit with high-waisted jeans. I went away for a Rotaract Wine Weekend. 

Those were 'the olden days', as my boys call them. There was no internet. You couldn't meet people through such classy things as Tinder, so you joined something like Rootaract instead. Oops, I mean Rotaract. And you joined because you really cared about making a difference through community service. Yep. Totally for that reason. If you also met people and made friends, that was just a bonus. Ahem. 

There was a bunch of us rotaractors who went away to this particular 'Wine Weekend', including Mickey Blue Eyes, but we weren't a couple at that point. (I think it was on this occasion, or one of the other wine weekends, when Mickey managed to be drunk the for the duration of the whole weekend while only drinking diet coke. A sign that we would make a groundbreaking, avant garde couple, if ever there was one).

Me circa early 1990s

But back to my being drunk story. My friend Kim and I took a peculiar liking to this vile, sickly sweet wine called Tyrrell's Blanquette. There is a photo floating around somewhere of the two of us proudly holding our packs of this beverage, but a) I would have to find it ; and b) Kim would probably kill me if I posted it here. So you are spared this vision. 

Such a shame, because if I recall things correctly, I had ditched the high-waisted jeans for this occasion. Instead I was wearing a most fetching headband and brown jumper combo with stirrup pants. Yep, I've always been a smoking hawt, cutting edge, fashion icon. Try not to be jealous.

The point is, we drank rather a lot of this wine and were quite merry. After a day spent wine tasting, we all arrived back at the Caravan park where we were staying.The drinking and merriment continued.Well, as merry as it gets for some one as quiet as me. Shut up.

Then, inevitably, we had to visit the bathroom. So myself, Kim and my other friend Pam, wandered off to the ladies toilets in the caravan park, giggling like the silly young things we were.
I managed to go to the loo without any incidents. Then, as I was waiting for Kimmy and Pammy, I suddenly decided it would be a tremendous idea to have a good lie down. Right there. In the public toilets. Of a grotty caravan park in the Hunter Valley.

So Kim and Pam emerged from the loo to behold me resplendent in a starfish position on the floor. Classy.

The next morning we were all a bit seedy. We trudged to the reception office where they had a shop to purchase paracetamol for our pounding heads.

"Not feeling too well, are we ladies?" The gentleman behind the counter asked dryly. There may have been some requests from other patrons to keep the noise down. Not that it was me making noise. Even alcohol doesn't make me 'come out of my shell'. But it does make me do starfish impersonations. I like to be different.We sheepishly mumbled something and slunk away with our drugs.

As the years ambled on, I looked back on this incident and kind of dismissed it with a "Wasn't I cute when I was a bit tipsy" thought. I considered that I'd never really been drunk in my whole life.

But then I thought about it some more. I do tend to overthink stupid, pointless things. Hang on a minute, I thought,  I did a starfish impersonation on a grotty public toilet floor. EW. Yep, I was certainly shit-faced.

So there you have it. The one and only time Nesski has ever been drunk. Unless you count  right now, because I just referred to myself in the third person, so clearly I'm drunk. And I lurrrve youse all! Thankshs for reading...!!!*hiccups*

Linking up for I Must Confess

When was the first time you were drunk?

Monday, 16 May 2016

Back Again Plus Letters To My Enemies

Hello there. Here I am. I expect this post will be a bit clunky and all over the place. I seem to have lost the ability to string a sentence together. Oh wait. I never really had that ability. I just ramble on. All good, then. 

I actually wrote a poem about my blogging 'journey'. Here it is:

Sometimes I wonder why I don't delete my blog
When updating it seems such a pointless old slog
At first I enjoyed it and had so much fun
I just couldn't wait to get another post done

Did I care about followers or stats? Not a bit!
I just wanted to share my thoughts and my wit
I tried to be humorous, entertaining, sincere
I didn't know anything about the wide blogosphere

I was bamboozled by something called Twitter
But still I decided I wasn't a blog quitter
I started joining blog link-ups tentatively
Reading all the other blogs unrepentantly

There were blogs that were sarcastic, sassy and smart
While others were useful or straight from the heart
Suddenly my boring old blog seemed stale and trite
I didn't know how to improve it, try as I might

My enthusiasm for blogging would wax and wane
I'd take bloggy breaks and come back again
My blog is all over the place, totally ad hoc
And sometimes I think it's an absolute croc

But I aim it towards my family and friends
Not for countless clicks or the current blog trends
I treat it as if I am writing a friend a letter
Look, I know it's lame and others do better

Then someone will say: but it shows who you are
And I don't want to be a big blogging star
I'm a quiet person in real life and online
For me I think this is perfectly fine

I just wanted a hobby and creative expression
And sometimes to share a candid confession
To do this, I link-up for I must confess
Whenever I want to, so there's no stress

Then sometimes life and all it's stuff will intrude
I abandon my blog, I'm not in the mood
As a child I was told I had a writing gift
But I tend to procrastinate, to daydream and drift

Whenever I do write I seem to feel better
Even if it's just an online journal 'letter'
So here I am sitting scribbling away

And I will be back with my blog any day!

So here I am! Now onto my cancer 'journey'. 

Well, what can I say about the last four months? I know. I'm glad they're over! Yep, I've finished my cancer treatment. For those of you wondering what the hell I'm talking about, you can read about my breast cancer diagnonsense here

I finished radiation therapy on April 19. The treatment was daily for four weeks. I had to lie very still on this contraption thingy that circled over me and fried my tit and chest area. For some reason this completely freaked me out, even though you can't feel anything at the time. You would think that lying very still would be the easiest thing in the world to do, but I'm weird. Anyway, the staff asked me what music I liked. So just be to completely different I said Carpenters. I figured if they were going to torture me, I should torture them. It's only fair. So I had Carpenters music on while they zapped me. Towards the end, we mixed it up with a bit of Adele as well. 

I eventually got past my fear of the unknown and it turned into a sort of Groundhog Day drudgery schlepping to the hospital every day. But I got to the finish line, triumphant and tired. SO. FUCKING. TIRED. Radiation causes fatigue. Overall it wasn't as bad as the chemo. I had a red boob and chest with a chronic fatigue chaser. 

Meanwhile, my hair has started to grow back. Looks like it will be ash blonde. NOT grey. Nope. No way. Meh, who cares? I'll take grey hair. Bring. It. On. It's a tiny bit cold having a bald melon now. Luckily I have some quite fetching beanies in the meantime. 

I saw my oncologist last Friday and he said they were very happy with my results. It was an early cancer and I had all the right treatment and tolerated it well. I am officially finished all treatment and now go onto six monthly check-ups, the first of which will be in early September. But to be honest, I'm really trying to not project much into the future. In the July school holidays we are heading to the Gold Coast. I'm not thinking beyond that at the moment. We do have our passports all in order and the possibility of an overseas jaunt at the end of the year is an option. Watch this space. Stay tuned and all that. If it doesn't pan out, we'll just take the Manly ferry and call it the same thing. Winning! 

Oh yeah, apparently I've been to Jupiter anyway. When I was given my list of appointments for Radiation therapy it said the location was Jupiter. I don't recomend it. Try Mars instead. You heard it here first. 

Anyway, today's I Must Confess prompt is a letter to your enemy, so here goes:

Enemy number one:

Dear Cancer,

Fuck you. I have beaten you. One day you will just be a zodiac sign, but until that day can you kindly fuck off and leave me, my family, friends and everyone alone.



Enemy number two:

Dear Mind, 

Calm the fuck down. Stop pointlessly ruminating and pondering and allow coherent thoughts, creativity and ideas in. I would very much appreciate your cooperation with this matter. 



Linking up for I Must Confess

Do you have an enemy? What would your letter say. 

Monday, 29 February 2016

I Don't Understand...

This weeks prompt is: I don't understand... 

We could be here for a while. I don't understand SO many things. Like, for instance, people. What are they about? So weird.

Plus, I don't understand Twatter and I'm hopeless with technology, despite having a blog. It's pretty obvious, isn't it? Sigh.

One of the thing that I REALLY don't understand is why bad things always happen to good people while arseholes roam the Earth unscathed and blissfully unaware that they are, in fact, arseholes.

I also don't understand:

Small talk
My kids homework
Morning people. And basically just people, period, as I've already mentioned.
Almost anything that other people find entertaining and fun. Think sport, nightclubs, amusement park rides or taking drugs. Yep, I'm a real barrel of laughs!

But anyway, enough of the boring lists of things I don't understand. I didn't want to bang on about my cancer 'journey' all the time in this space, but last Friday I got THE BEST news!

The professor type lady from the Familial Cancer Service rang me to inform me that my test results came back clear! This means I don't have any mutant genes! There is no increased risk of it returning in the other breast, or of ovarian cancer and no need for any further surgery!!!!!! WOO HOO!! I'm slightly ecstatic right now!

This makes me realise that I really don't understand how or why life is such a random lottery.  I don't understand why one person has a cancer diagnosis, breast or otherwise, and they can be going strong decades later, while another person isn't. While I'm more positive that I'm going be the former, there is always that teensy bit of uncertainty.

I've never been good at embracing uncertainty or change, so this is going to be a big lesson at learning to live with something huge that I don't understand.

Which brings me to all the inspirational sayings and memes. This one popped up in my Facebook newsfeed yesterday.

But I'm starting to think it's more of a 50/50 proposition. Life is 50 percent what happens to you and 50 percent how you react. In fact, I wonder if we have less control than we think over both of these things. 

For instance, you may have a picture in your mind of you think you'd react to a specific situation, but you honestly have no idea how you'd really react unless it really happens. And if that reaction isn't always positive, it's not a sign of weakness. I may be straying off topic here a bit, but I thought this kind of ties in with how I don't understand the whole 'life is a random lottery' thing. 

Having said that, maybe I should buy a lottery ticket after my good news last week? Of course, that was actually a better feeling than winning the lottery! But then again, I've never won the lottery so how would I know? If some one could please arrange a lottery win for me, so I can test my theory? Thanks! 

What do you not understand? 

Linking up for I Must Confess, Open Slather and Mummy Mondays

Monday, 22 February 2016

Introverts Are Awesome!

Howdy folks! Here's something I dragged out of the vaults for today's burning question: 

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Quiet and reserved?

Or a bubbly, outgoing chatterbox?

The person sitting sedately in the corner at social occasions?

Or do you prefer dancing on the tables and being the centre of attention?

Maybe you're somewhere in between these extremes? I'd like to know! 

As for me,  clearly it's obvious. It's table-top dancing exhibitionism all the way, baby! And talking? I never stop! 

The fact that this is all a figment of my imagination is COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT.

Oh alright, sometimes I like to pretend I'm the opposite of what I'm really like. I mean, it was okay to sing into a hair brush in my bedroom as a child and pretend to be a pop star. Can't I still play pretend as an adult? The problem is, I have difficulty translating my flights of fantasy into real life 'fake it until you make it' situations. Sigh. 

The truth is that I'm so introverted I make all other introverts seem like Alan Carr Chatty Man on Speed. In addition to my extreme introversion, I am also ridiculously shy. If that wasn't enough, I also have Asperger's Syndrome. Oh yes, I've scored the ultimate hat-trick of excruciating social awkwardness. Yay me! 

Just make sure you invite me to all your parties if you really want to them to just  GO  OFF!  I mean completely, OFF. Literally. I'll bore all the guests rigid in seconds. If my riveting personality isn't enough, all I need to do is whip out my Carpenters albums. DONE. 

Anyway, as you can see, all of the above traits have led to me disintegrating in self-deprecation quite frequently. However, since the publication of the book I mentioned, there has been a subtle shift. Us introverts are finally getting our fifteen minutes of fame. There is even a Facebook group called Introverts Are Awesome.
I absolutely agree. So I stole the title for this post. Ahem.

As mute as I can be in person, I have a feeling that I have plenty to say on this topic. So feel free to skim through to the end. 

Otherwise, strap yourself in, it's going to be a self-indulgent ride. You're welcome.  

Apparently it was some dude named Carl Jung who first coined the terms introvert and extrovert. Although there still appears to be some ongoing debate about the true definition of these terms, the simple lay person's guide is this:

An introvert is somebody who finds too much social interaction over-stimulating and needs to recharge with solitude. Extroverts, on the other hand, are energised and thrive off being around other people. 

This is a pretty basic, abridged definition. Obviously there has been reams of stuff written about the two different types and there can be variables. For instance, not all introverts consider themselves to be shy.  

Personally, I was so sensitive about being shy as a young person that I failed to realise that I was also introverted and that this is perfectly fine. Looking back I can see that I sabotaged myself in some ways. 

After I finished High School back in the olden days of the late 1980's, I studied at TAFE to become a Library Technician. My shyness caused me so much agony, especially in the form of job interviews, that even though I managed to secure temporary positions, I finally convinced myself that I was not cut out for the job.

Guess what? You don't have to be extroverted to work in a Library! Who knew? It never occurred to me to see being quiet and introverted as a positive instead of a negative.

There seems to be way too much emphasis on being extroverted in our culture. For so many years I always believed that being shy/introverted was this bad, hideous, awful thing about me that had to be changed at all costs.

The inference from other people was  always that if only I tried hard enough I could 'come of out my shell'. I have grown to hate that expression. Having people subtly put you down in this way constantly just reinforces all the above feelings. I felt that everything about me was intrinsically WRONG. 

After ditching the Library work, I started working in a call centre. Yep, I'm a genius. This is the introvert's version of Hell. Only worse. Anyway, I used to envy the fact that my co-workers seemed to have all this easy banter and rapport. I'd see groups of women trotting off to lunch together laughing, and wish I could be one of them. 

Then, the rare times that I was actually invited out to lunch with others, I'd find myself feeling....well, frankly....bored. Not shy. Not anxious. Just plain old bored. While they chattered on about how hammered they were on the weekend (perfectly normal for a bunch of twenty somethings), I had nothing to add to this conversation. This is when I realised that I do sometimes prefer my own company. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally anti-social. I just prefer small groups of close friends and family than over-whelming crowds of lots of people. And sometimes I just don't click or have anything in common with some people. I've decided that this is okay. After all, you don't have to like or be liked by everyone

Even when I socialise with close friends and family I suffer a 'social hangover' afterwards. I enjoy it, but I then I need time alone to re-charge. Instead of feeling refreshed and energised I feel  like I've done 50 rounds in the ring with The Rock, then been run over by truck and put through a blender. 

See, I knew that I would ramble on about this subject. Whatever the written equivalent of verbal diarrhoea is, I have it. Ahem.

I  ain't coming out of my shell for anyone! 

Even alcohol doesn't 'bring me out of my shell'. Instead, I just feel sleepy and mellow after one or two drinks. After a third I'll either feel light-headed and sick or slip into a coma. I'm SUCH a party animal!

Fortunately, I never attend many parties. Unless they are children's parties. Nobody appears to have 'at home' parties anymore. Or, if they are, we're not being invited. This means that I may have to sit in a McDonald's/Play Centre/Bowling Alley with a few other unfamiliar parents and make polite chit-chat. Not surprisingly, I suck at it. 

I'll either go with my favourite option: mutism. Or, alternatively, I'll completely put my foot in it and blurt out way too much information. 

Like the time one Mum was chatting away about a friend who had tragically lost a baby half way through her pregnancy, yet still had to give birth.

"I couldn't imagine having to go through that!" she said, almost in tears "It would be terrible!"

"Yes, it is," I replied, without thinking "the same thing happened to me." 

The poor woman looked thunderstruck. Of course there was no way she could ever have known that. I wouldn't say it was exactly helpful of me to bring it up. She apologised, clearly wishing the ground would swallow her. Good one, Ness.

Ditto the time when I used to attend Playgroup with Mr 5 before he started school. One of the Mums there expressed her worry about her Dad who was having a colonoscopy that day. I proceeded to inform her how Micky Blue Eyes has one every year after having had bowel cancer in 2004. Her worried expression turned to one of terror. Well played yet again, Ness.  Way to go with the social gaffes!

As Mr 11 would say in a faux American drawl:


No wonder I mostly stick to what I'm best at. Shutting right up.

Yes sir, selective mutism and I are besties. 

ALL VALE NESSKI: Bringing you awkward silences since 1971!

Another phenomenon that came into play during the Play Group era was my introverted tendency to suffer from a 'social hangover'. I briefly touched upon this before.

Playgroup only consisted of a measly two hours a week of social interaction.  That's nothing, right? So why did I go home every week and feel like sobbing from exhaustion? The next week would roll around and I'd feel barely recovered.

Meanwhile, the other Mums revealed how they schlepped their kidlets to various groups on multiple days of the week. I was STUNNED to learn this. Seriously. STUNNED. 

I couldn't have been more shocked if they'd revealed that they liked to snort cocaine off a hooker's arse while their kids watched. 

Okay, I may be exaggerating just a teeny bit. But it is quite amazing to me how you weirdo extroverted folk like this socialising caper so much. 

I guess I could force myself out of my comfort zone once in while. 

It is quite interesting being a shy, introverted Aspie and being a mother of three amazing but noisy boys! On the one hand, I often crave peace and solitude. On the other hand, my family are my coat of armour against the World.

An oldie but a goodie 

In all my many awkward moments I can remind myself that I don't have to worry about what others think of me. I have Micky Blue Eyes and the boys who love and accept me. We are a family of introverts. The only difference is, my boys are certainly NOT shy! 

Anyway, Susan Cain has a Manifesto for Introverts.

I'd like to make up my own manifesto, but I'll have to think about it further in order to come up with something poetic and wise.

In the mean time, you can always count on good old Grumpy Cat:

Linking up for  IMust ConfessOpen Slather and Mummy Mondays

Are you an introvert or an extrovert, or maybe a bit of both? 

Monday, 15 February 2016

What's In My Handbag plus Shopping SUCKS

My TITS are in my handbag. That got your attention, didn't it? Okay, not my tits exactly, but my pretty pink Ipod that my brilliant imaginary friends Posski and Randa gave me was christened TITS. Perfect.

This is all leading up to today's confession, which is, most surprisingly:

What is in your handbag right now?

Allow me to tell you:

TITS (aka pink Ipod)
A purse. Sadly one that doesn't contain much cold, hard cash. Sigh
A book.
A tattered Fill-In. They're sort of like a lazy person's crossword, because they give you the answers and you fill them in in the right spots corresponding with each other. 
My adult colouring-in book.
My pencil case with pencils, pens and textas. (See above).
My lip balm. 

Normally I might have a brush, but I don't need those right now. I'm baldy. HAWT.  I now have a small collection of large handbags and a large collection of lovely hats. Awesome. 

That's about it. These items are essential for my long, boring chemo treatments and copious waiting in doctor's waiting rooms for appointments. This is pretty much my life right now.

Nothing much to report there except I had Cycle 3 of chemo last Wednesday and so far it's treating me kindly. Furthermore, I am nearly finished!!! Hallelujah! One more Cycle on the 24th and I'm DONE! 

Of course, then I will get my genetic test results back and find out what the next step is.  I am only very slightly petrified about this. Gulps.

So in order to keep my mind occupied I've been doing some of the afore-mentioned things in my handbag, reading, fill-ins etc. Additionally I've written some very dodgy poems. I won't share all of them with you (you're welcome), but this one made me giggle. I hope you do, too. 

Here goes:

SHOPPING SUCKS: A touching poem 

By Yours Truly

Shopping and cooking are a mystery to me
Yet often I drool over a recipe I see
Optimistically I set off, finding myself here at the shop
Where I frantically search for the list I forgot

It's laying at home, mocking and derisive
For even IT knows I am never decisive
Then I ponder and think, what items did I jot?
Do you think I remember? No! I cannot! 

Do I need coffee? Do I need tea?
What is the difference between camenbert and brie?
I know I need milk, but don't know what kind
We all prefer different types, you will find

The boys prefer THEIR milk to be fully-leaded
But the way that my dodgy cholesterol is headed
I am resigned to the boring old skim
Mickey Blue Eyes? It's 'light' milk for him! 

Of course I'll buy bread, but definitely NO CAKE!
Why? Because we all know I'll eat it, for goodness sake!
Did I need plain or self-raising flour?
I become more annoyed and perplexed by the hour

 I heave my clunky trolley through the brightly lit aisles
Wondering if other folk suffer all these trials
Up aisle one, down aisle two, three and four
My head is aching and my feet are so sore
Coles FM is droning on, I can't take it anymore! 

If I have to endure 'easy listening' for so long
PLEASE at least play a Carpenters song!
Then suddenly, while overwhelmed by choice
I DO blissfully hear that unrecognisable voice

Unperturbed, along I start singing
Impervious to the peeved looks I am bringing
I'm the weird woman who croons as she lingers
For slightly too long near the Birds Eye Fish Fingers

Abruptly I snap out of my Karen reverie
Feeling foolish, all eyes are following me
I must hurry up, get straight back to my task
Finish the shopping , get out of here FAST! 

There are three ravenous boys, all of whom I must feed
Even if they refuse the five serves of veggies they need
It has to be done, so on I endeavour
This is fun! RIGHT. Said no one, EVER!

Then a family reunion is starting to thrive
Conveniently clogging up most of aisle five
How will ever get out of here alive?
But I must keep going, so onwards I strive

Alas, it seems that even this isn't enough
It's just not my day. I must have no luck!
I spot some one I know, there in full sight!
An introvert's awkward and most irksome plight

I stop in dismay, watching like a hawk
Petrified I'll be cornered into difficult small talk
But when I turn to make my escape
Again I have made the most ghastly mistake

What else can go wrong? Yes, I know, I know! 
But it's torture for me in the confectionery row!
Mars Bars seem to tease me before my very eyes
As if they too know they would head straight to my thighs

Then ALL the chocolates join in and chant their evil chorus
Buy us! Eat us! Buy us! Eat us, Ness! You know you just adore us!
I'm forced to flee from the lane of all things yummy
The last thing I need is a bigger, rounder tummy

Leaving the chocolate's taunting refrain
I then reach the aisle of my ultimate shame
Yes, for me cleaning products cause genuine pain
Gumption, Ajax, mops and Pledge-Grab-Its
Remind me of all of my slovenly habits

These items will transform me into a Domestic Goddess!
Just buy us! We're brilliant! They insincerely promise.
Besides I'm aware that all you need is bleach
But how do you stand the smell, I will beg and beseech? 

Weary and bewildered, I randomly fill my trolley
A very impractical and most unwitting folly
I have had quite enough, I just can't pretend
It's time to bring this shopping thing limping to it's end

I trudge to the front in order to pay
But why is there only one cashier open today?
Once in line, the cashier is quite chatty
The endless yakking instead of packing is driving me batty

Then of course comes the inevitable price check
Isn't this all just a big pain in the neck?
Eventually my load is all finally scanned through
Then comes the terrible thing I must do

I reach for my purse and feel my hand quiver
As I hand over copious cash, a kidney, a liver
Arriving home, I unpack my all my food
And briefly relax my jittery mood

I'm pleased and relieved I've completed my feat
Then the boys arrive home and with these words they greet:

MUM, THERE'S NOTHING HERE TO EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you enjoy shopping?

What's in your handbag right now? 

Monday, 8 February 2016

I Have Never...

It's often quite disconcerting to realise that I've reached the mature age of 45 without doing a great deal things you might have expected a 45 year old woman to do. 

The list is long and comprehensive. I have never:

Had a career.
Been on a plane by myself (without my parents or Mick). 
Gotten a tattoo.
Taken illegal drugs.
Or even smoked a cigarette.
Stood naked in the rain.
Been thoroughly grown up and competent.

Had an affair (Mickey Blue Eyes will be not at all surprised shocked and relieved here). 
Broken someone's heart. 
Been a total bitch. 
Seen snow.
Been surfing.
Learnt to swim (shut up). 
Liked sport. This makes me somewhat of a freakish Australian. 
Bungee jumped.
Ridden a motor-cycle.
Played an instrument.
Been able to raise my voice much above a whisper.
I've never been to me, just like Charlene, (and I've never exactly understood what that song meant). 
Liked rides or amusement parks. 
Worn a bikini. 

The thing is, though, for the most part I have never really wanted to do these things. I've never had a sort of bucket list of adrenaline packed adventures that I've wanted to tick off in my life-time. 

I've pondered over why I'm such a drifter/daydreamer with a lack of ambition or wanderlust and the only possible explanation I can come up with is that if you're like me: shy, quiet, introverted, Aspie and anxious then you spend a lot of time just wishing to be 'normal' in inverted commas (because who decides what normal is) and mediocre. This probably doesn't make one little bit of sense to anyone but me, but when the simplest of things like talking or making eye-contact are a huge challenge, you pretty much take yourself out of the running for things like high-powered careers or sole travelling. 

Anyway, as far as I'm concerned people who like amusement park rides or bungee-jumping are the crazy ones. Good luck with that. I'm a two feet firmly on the ground kind of girl. 

I've never understood the attraction to smoking. I find the smell alone to be repulsive and skin-crawling. Again - this must be an ASD sensory thing. Therefore, I've never had any curiosity to try it, not even once. I can't really tolerate alcohol well. Any more than two drinks maximum and my head will be spinning. And I really detest that out of control, queasy, hungover feeling, so I've never been tempted to try any drugs. Not that I've ever been offered any. It's weirdly ironic to think I've grown up in good old Mt. Druitt and am utterly clueless about drugs. Food is my drug. 

As Dolly Parton said: I'll take a sandwich and a shake over a jug and a joint any day. You'll have to imagine the Dolly twang. 

When it comes to swimming and any other water related activities, I guess I have a water phobia. I dislike putting my head under water. Anyway, my 77 year old father still doesn't know how to swim, so I'm prepared to carry on that tradition. And I'll never need that bikini. I'm naturally fair-skinned, so it doesn't make sense to wear one, anyway. Instead I need 20 litres of 50 plus sunscreen and head to toe clothing and I'll still get burnt.  HMPH. 

As far as I know I've never broken anyone's heart. In reality, there could be dozens of men (and women who wish I'd turn) weeping and devastated that I'm not available. Yeah, RIGHT. Snorts. 

And yes, I'm too much of a goody goody Pollyanna type to be a bitch. It would be handy to be able to think of cutting remarks in reply to certain people. Sometimes I manage it, but only at 4am after the event. Sigh. 

Image credit:
I AM sick of bullshit! Why can't I be a bitch??!!

Speaking of 'I have never...' I have never quite known how to bring my rambling posts to a seamless conclusion, so why start now? 

The end. 

Yes, that was abrupt. 


How would you finish the phrase 'I have never...'?

Linking up for I Must Confess, Open Slather and 
Mummy Mondays