Monday, 25 July 2016

What I'm Most Proud Of

Last week I detailed my worst habits. This week, it's time to tell you what I'm most proud of. It's interesting to note how easy it is to list all my shortcomings, but when it's time to be proud I struggle.  

I'm not sure why, but whenever I try to find things about myself to be proud of or brag about, I feel like a tremendous wanker. This is why I end up being self-deprecating all the time. Sigh.

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There's nothing tangible that I've achieved that I can say that I'm proud of, like a shiny car, or a McMansion or an illustrious career.

Overall this blog is pretty pointless. But considering that many people start blogs and abandon them, the fact that I've kept a completely pointless, nicheless, personal blog about nothing, ticking over for several years is a small thing to be proud of. It's certainly nothing monumental, but at least I've made people smile or chuckle from time to time. Yes, I'm not exactly curing cancer, but with the over saturation of awful in our faces all the time, there's nothing wrong with it either. When I consider that I've done this without even having my own computer or laptop and amidst total chaos; the chaos that is my brain and the chaos that is this house and my family, it's actually not that easy.

It's a bit sort of obvious or predictable to say I'm proud of my family. My boys. But I really am. It's not that I think 'breeding', as I often hear it disparagingly called, is the epitome of achievement for anyone, particularly a woman. I don't.

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But at the same time, it often seems like something to be almost apologetic about. The old I'm 'just' a mother. Why shouldn't I be proud of being a mother? I'm a keenly aware that there are many people who desperately yearn to be a parent and can't for a myriad of reasons, so I'm grateful.

Some people could argue that almost anyone can make human beings, so it's not an achievement. That may be true, but bringing them up to be decent human beings is a whole other thing. And I may be a tad biased here, but I think my boys are turning out to be pretty decent human beings. So I'm proud. I don't claim to be a perfect mother, far from it, but I must have done something right.

I'm proud of the fact that I stumbled through life not even knowing I was on the spectrum until I was 40.

I'm proud of the fact that I never give up even if I've struggled a lot over the years with my anxiety.  I try to see the funny, silly side of things even when things are a tiny bit shit. I don't see that as being negative. Quite the opposite. My philosophy is, that while my life may not always be perfect, I still haven't lost my sense of humour.

I'm proud of coping much better with things that scared me than I thought I would. Related: I was TERRIFIED of child birth. But I birthed four babies. One of them didn't survive. RIP my little angel baby 'Daniel'.

Without a doubt, I'm proud of beating cancer. I won't lie. Having seen many family members go through cancer, most of them sadly no longer with us, it's always been my deepest, darkest fear. Even a few years ago I could  never have even dealt with the thought of a cancer diagnosis. But I did. And I guess I was 'lucky'. It seems that it was found relatively early and the overall prognosis is good. But even so, the fears still linger in the back of your mind. I'm coping with this the best I can. It's not easy, so I definitely deserve to be proud.

And I deserve that McMansion. Anyone have a spare one? No? How rude. HMPH.

So that was my attempt at being a tremendous wanker. Winning!

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Linking up for I Must Confess.
What are you a tremendous wanker about? Oops, I mean what are you most proud of?

Sunday, 24 July 2016

An Aussie Holiday

G'day everyone! Just for shits and giggles, I thought I'd tell youse a bit our recent holiday to the Gold Coast - Aussie style!

It was a bonza holiday! I reckon I could waffle on a bit about it.

Let me tell you, it's hard yakka packing for the five of us. But I finally managed to shove it all in the bags and Micky Blue Eyes broke his back getting it all in the boot. 

It was going to be a long drive, so I put on a pair of daggy but comfortable daks. The boys wanted to get brekkie at Maccas, so went through the drive-through. Every time we do this, we fondly remember the time we went to good old Red Rooter Rooster and they had NO CHICKEN. Too funny!

We finally made it to Coffs Harbour, where we settled into a cramped cosy little motel room. At least the wifi there was bonza!

After two nights there, we drove on to the Gold Coast. Once we got there, us oldies were knackered and just wanted to veg out and do fuck all. But the boys were bored cos the wifi there was dodgy.

So we went and had a squiz at the beach. I think they might have even gotten wet a few times, but I totally forgot my bikini! Most likely cos I don't have one. Details!

We had a bit of butcher's hook around and got some snags and had a barbie, cos the cabin we were staying in had one.

The next place we stayed at was a bit iffy. Some drongo must have been having a durry in the next room, cos it reeked.

But we just wanted to get some tucker in our cake-holes. So began 'The Great Bakery Crawl of 2016'.  Mickey Blue Eyes is like totally OBSESSED with bakeries. He just forces me to eat cake! SO rude.

One day we drove to the sunshine coast to have lunch at Hog's Breath with the rellies. Notably my sister-in-law and brother-in-law.

We also had a good squiz at some Op shops and second hand book stores. Mr 12 scored some Goosebumps books. We like to keep it classy.

Next , we decided to go to Movie World. Crikey, it costs a few quid! 

We spotted a little kiddies ride called  Driving School or something.

"Do you wanna go on it?" Mickey Blue Eyes asked Mr 7.

"No!" he flatly refused.

Well, bugger me if he didn't insist on going on the roller coaster five minutes later! He went on it a total of six times! That's six times more than this chicken shit sheila. Shut up. Some one has to mind the bags!

I was worried that Mickey Blue Eyes might get a bit crook from the rides, but he didn't. That bloke is like a big kid!

Eventually it was time to say hoo-roo to the Gold Coast and head back to good old Sydney town, where we are currently freezing our bums off again.

But it's all good, cos we can plan our next bonza holiday!

See you at the beach! Or the bakery....

What do you like to have a squiz at when you're on holidays?

Monday, 18 July 2016

My Worst Habit

I have lots of odd, annoying endearing habits.

Such as:

I leave my teabags in.
I snore.
I shave my legs rather infrequently.
I'm very quiet. I rarely talk, preferring to sit there with my resting bitch face on at social gatherings.
I over think.
I like to eat while web surfing or watching TV.
I read lots of self-help/improvement books, then completely ignore them anyway. The way I see it, you can't improve on awesome, can you? Ahem.
I write lists and forget them.
I scratch my ears a lot.
I stim and rock (it's an ASD thing).
I still compare myself with others, although I'm getting better with this one.
I procrastinate.
I collect notebooks and books, creating a lot of clutter.
I'm messy and disorganised.
I'm a day dreamer and space cadet.
I'm forgetful.
I'm addicted to Facebook and the internet. This became rather obvious when we were away on holidays recently with dodgy wifi.
According to Mickey Blue Eyes, I'm too negative. Just the fact that I've written this list of all my shortcomings would be seen as negative to him. I'm not really trying to be negative, I'm just being honest.

But even after writing this comprehensive list, my overall worst habit would have to be my eating habits in general. I just eat too damn much. Especially my beloved cakie things. And chocolate. Let's not forget about chocolate. Sigh.

I must confess sometimes it does feel like I have an eating disorder, except it's the opposite of anorexia. It's like compulsive eating or something. I'm obsessed with food. Some people eat to live, I live to eat.

I probably wouldn't worry about it too much, but the fact that I've had breast cancer and also have high cholesterol means it's quite important for me to have healthy eating habits and keep my weight within a certain range. Even a cancer diagnosis hasn't put me on a clean-eating quest. That's a sign that I have a problem. So it's back to Weight Witches with me this week. I have totally fallen off my broomstick while away on holidays. Sigh. I might need to consider a shrink or hypnosis or something as well. Something has to change.

But I'm always going to leave my teabags in. Don't judge me.

Linking up for I Must Confess.

What's your worst habit?

Monday, 4 July 2016

My only goal for 2016

2016 has been a challenging year. I kicked off the year with a lovely little trip down chemotherapy lane. I'm sure most of you know that I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer in December 2015. So the first few months of this year were dedicated to getting through treatment. My only goal was to get to the end with my sanity (relatively) in check. Mission accomplished! Well, I do have moments of madness, but mostly everything is fine now.  

Setting goals

But here's a shocking confession: I've never been a person who sets goals and ticks off lists. I've just kind of drifted through life.

I know that probably comes as a huge surprise. OK, not really. It's totally obvious. This blog alone is a dead giveaway. If I didn't have the prompt and link-up every week I'd probably never update this blog. Even so it's ad hoc and all over the place.

I don't have any grand plan for this space, either to monetise or have x amount of readers by December. I just plan to plod on talking to myself and writing and confessing whatever I like, whenever I like. You're welcome.

Connecting to goals or values

This is a confronting or kind of interesting topic for me. I don't really know how to explain it. I don't seem to even know my own mind. That doesn't even make sense. For instance, we know that we eventually want to move, but even if the time was right and we could start making plans and taking action to do exactly that, I have no idea in hell where I want to move to or live.

It's quite strange. Most people would know where their dream address would be. Even it was unattainable unless they won the lottery or robbed a bank or something, they would still have somewhere in mind. I have no idea. Perhaps I just don't cope with change so I'm resisting it? It's just another strange insight to the nutty old world of Ness.

It's the same as connecting to your values. What do I truly value? I would say that I value health and family, yet I still struggle to live in accordance with those values all the time. I'm supposed to be a Weight Witches life time member, but I must confess I've been a very bad witch recently. Oops.

I still keep coming back to this value (health) or goal, so that's the main thing.

A light bulb moment or epiphany

You'd expect that having had a cancer diagnosis would lead to some sort of illuminating moment of utter clarity. I'd know exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'd sit down and write a list of goals and get on with ticking them off like a boss.

No such thing has happened for me. It's weird. It's more a feeling of just wanting more of the mundane. When you have to spend months schlepping off to doctor's appointments all you want is to get back to 'normal'. Suddenly the idea of just doing the grocery shopping or school pick up seems appealing. I didn't want to be a cancer patient, I just wanted to be normal again. And I wouldn't mind having a full head of hair. Related: it is growing back. It's all grey and curly. I look like a lovely, placid sheep. Nice.

A new kind of normal

So here I am, finished with treatment. Now I go on to six-monthly check-ups. The first of which is coming up very quickly in late August/early September. It's a new kind of normal.

And that is my only big goal for 2016 and every other year. Staying boring and normal. You can never under estimate how wonderful 'boring' is. 

The only other goal I had was to go on a holiday with my family. Related: we will be headed to the sunny Gold Coast (via Coffs Harbour) by the time you're reading this! Hopefully we can relax and thaw out for a bit. 

So here's to a boring rest of 2016! Cheers! 

Linking up for I Must Confess

What are your goals for 2016?