Monday, 25 May 2015

Diets Be Damned

Well another Monday rolled around, funnily enough right after Sunday. Don't you just hate when that happens?  At least it's the start of another week. Another beginning... Another diet...

No wonder it's the most universally loathed day of the week! Anyway, let's talk diets. They suck. The end. 

That was a quick conversation! The truth is, I'm currently a Weight Witches member. The weird thing is that apparently you can't just twitch your nose and be instantly lighter and thinner! How rude! 

I'm trying to do that delusional thing where I convince myself that it's a lifestyle change and not a diet. I really LOVE salad, not cakies and chocolate and ALL THE CARBS. 

Which reminds me, I just had a big bowl of pasta and a small bowl of salad for dinner. It should have been the other way around. Oops. 

I've never been on any other diets. It was just pure luck, but when I was young I didn't have a weight problem. As a teen I was slender despite my Mars Bar addiction and sport aversion. 

In my 20's I did gain a little and was COMPLETELY HORRIFIED. But now I look back and realise that this was a waste of energy because I looked FINE.  It wasn't until my late 30's, after having Mr 6 that my metabolism apparently decided to go on a permanent holiday. Nice one. I guess I won't be needing it any more. Except I do. Desperately

Previously I had been able to pretty much eat whatever I like and as long as I exercised I stayed at a reasonable weight. Not any more. Those days are over. It's extremely tragic. Not really. I'm just like every other middle aged person. I'm not exactly sure why the human body didn't evolve so that weight was like height. You should get to the perfect number where you look and feel your healthiest and it should stay that way! 

Even though I've lost a bit of weight recently with this Weight Witches palaver I still have the usual issues with food. I eat for every other reason than being hungry. I eat when I'm sad, stressed, bored, just because it's there and just because I'm a pig and it tastes good, OKAY?? I have good and bad weeks days. 

I can't do extreme diets. Any diet that involves eliminating a certain food or food group entirely be it sugar, carbs, meat, dairy, CAKE (especially cake!), is not for me. I refuse to label certain foods as 'good' or 'bad'. 

Similarly, diets involving shakes, juice cleansing or soups - forget it. Knowing me, I will just drink the shake then think 'wait a minute, where is the REAL food? That was a drink, NOT food!' I need something to munch on. Shut up. 

I'm not immune to all the same issues as every other women. I dislike certain parts of my body, avoid mirrors as much as possible and have never worn a bikini in my entire life. I just don't have the confidence. But I still refuse to be a slave to diets.

After all, we all know that diets don't work. If they did it wouldn't be a multi-billion gazillion dollar industry. Sorry, I don't know the exact figure and I'm too lazy to Google it. Again, shut up.

Despite there being some so-called 'revolutionary' new diet plan every other day or week we all know that there is nothing revolutionary about it. It always comes down to the old 'eat less, move more' thing. That's it. So that's what I've done. The fact that the eat less part involves eating less cake and chocolate is something I find rather unfortunate. Suddenly I hear weepy violin music. 

And on that note I will end it here and go and have dessert. Of course I can have dessert! As long as it's fruit. Hmmm, I do have a slice of sticky date pudding in the fridge and dates are fruit, aren't they??


Linking up (late) for I Must Confess. 

What do you think about diets? Have you been on any crazy ones? 

Monday, 18 May 2015

Travel Fails

Today I am back to entertain you with some tails of my travel fails. As you can see I am still the consummate poet.  What can I say? It's a gift.

Sadly, this is a topic I am all too familiar with. Our travel experiences would most certainly fall into the fail category. Basically we have failed to travel to any glamorous destination. Instead we are more likely to end up in a rather exotic location -  like Dubbo.
Incidentally, if you typed tripadvisor Dubbo into your Google search engine I wonder what it would advise you?  Don't bother?  Stay home because your life sucks? Perhaps they should have that mocking voice that's on Stick Run on Facebook that declares "YOU'VE FAILED!!"  in a tone dripping with derision. Look I have nothing against Dubbo. It's a fine place. In fact I've discovered that there is a drive-through bakery there and multiple book shops, so it's practically my dream holiday destination now.

Anyway, enough about that. Back to my travel tails. When I was a mere lass of only 10 I went on my first and last overseas jaunt to Holland with my parents and brother. I'm not sure if 'jaunt' is the correct expression but it sounds cute so I'll go with it.  The month long stay with our family friends went smoothly and was most enjoyable. I do have some vintage footage on a DVD somewhere of me as a ten-year-old Ness with long red hair merrily skipping through the tulips, but I have no idea how to upload it here so you'll have to imagine  it.

The fail part came when we arrived at the airport, homeward bound. For some reason my parents mistakenly thought we had loads of time before departure. We were strolling around the airport when our names were called over the loudspeaker.  Cue the frantic sprint to the departure gate, arms and carry-on luggage akimbo. Sheepishly we boarded the plane amid the dagger-like stares of our fellow passengers whom we'd kept waiting.

Another time my parents rented an apartment at Nelson Bay in NSW for a week. The brochures forgot to mention we would be  sharing it with an army of cockroaches. There was also the delightful bonus of mattresses that reeked of urine. We only lasted one night before heading home.

Thus ended my travel adventures for many years. Enter Mickey Blue Eyes. From the minute we met it was evident that we were not only destined to be together, but to become a dynamic, jet-setting power couple. Forget Brangelina. Think Micess. Nessick? Um. I might have to think about that...

The point is, we embarked on many holidays including our honeymoon in Tasmania where we nearly drowned on a cruise through Hell's Gate. Now I know why they call it that. Another memorable trip involved watching the four walls of a motel room in Cairns for a day or two while a cyclone raged away outside.

Our holidays post children often seem to be road trips. One or more of the boys will inevitably end up puking in the car. This is always fun. Said no one ever.

On one trip to the Gold Coast we were visiting Sea World. As I peered into the humungous shark tank I leaned over to get a better look and my mobile phone slipped out of  my handbag and fell in with a splash.  Mick and the boys wandered down to underground viewing area. People were muttering in disgust about a phone being in there. Mr 13 (who was only 8 or so at the time) exclaimed "That's my Mum's!" We left, cheeks blazing. Classy. For the record, I did notify a staff member of what had happened but he seemed to have a 'why the f**k are you telling me?' expression. It's not like I expected him to dive in and retrieve it for me!

I fear we have another travel fail on the horizon. We talk about going away during the July school holidays but we still haven't done anything about it. Meanwhile, I've also begun the arduous process of applying for passports. I got to the point where we need to provide photos and referees and promptly forgot about it. Oops. Yep, I'd call that a travel fail of epic proportions. Well, it's not so much a travel fail as it is failing to travel AT ALL.

I've never actually managed to catch the travel bug the way some people do, so I'm relatively resolved to the fact that we may never have an epic overseas trip. But I guess you never know. It might still happen. In the meantime I can just watch half the people on my Facebook feed who all appear to be overseas at the moment.

And there is always that drive-through bakery in Dubbo awaiting me. How could  that be a failure? 

Linking up for I Must Confess.

What do your consider to be your travel fails?