Thursday, 26 June 2014

What I Suck At

What do I suck at, you ask? Okay you didn't really ask, but I'm telling you anyway. Don't worry, I'll make it quick, even though I could write a thesis on this topic. 

At the top of the list I would have to put blogging. I never seem to get my act together for these linky things. Case in point: on Monday I finally got around to writing my I Must Confess post after dinner, only to somehow manage to accidentally delete it  before I posted it. Genius.  I can't remember a word of it but I’m sure it was BRILLIANT. I can say that since no one will ever know. Ahem...

What I really, really and truly suck at is being organised. In every conceivable area of life I am woefully and abysmally disorganised and forgetful.  The only things I remember are eating and the words to every Carpenters song. I can assure you that this is definitely not helpful in life. Well, eating is somewhat helpful in order to survive. Eating cakes the size of your head isn't. Not that I would ever do that. Especially when I can eat cakes twice the size of my head. I'm classy like that. 

The thing is, I got my diagnonsense  diagnosis of Ass Burgers  Asperger's a few years ago and that’s when I realised that I have significant impairment or issues with what is referred to as Executive Functioning.

According to Tony Attwood’s Complete Guide To Asperger’s Syndrome the psychological term executive function includes:

  • Organisational and planning abilities
  • Working memory
  • Inhibition and impulse control
  • Self-reflection and self-monitoring
  • Understanding complex or abstract concepts
  • Using new strategies

I may have burst into tears upon reading this section. My tears miraculously disappeared as I read on and discovered Tony Attwood’s absolutely brilliant solution to these issues.

He says: one solution to reduce problems associated with executive function is to have someone act as an ‘executive secretary’.

This is the Reader’s Digest condensed version but he then goes on to add:

I encourage a parent or teacher to take on this very important role of executive secretary. We hope that this will be a temporary appointment as the person with Asperger’s Syndrome achieves greater independence with organisational skills. However, the executive secretary mother may not be able to resign until her role is replaced with an executive secretary wife.

Upon reading this sheer brilliance my tears just evaporated.  Now I felt like killing someone. I was INFURIATED by this advice. What I would like to know is: where the FUCK is my executive secretary wife?

Oh wait. All I have to do is grow a cock, divorce Micky Blue  Eyes,citing irreconcilable cock differences, ask a well-organised woman to marry me and be my executive secretary. Easy peasy. Why didn't I think of that? Any takers out there, pending my sex-change?

No? How rude. Hmph. Oh well, I can always get a cheapie sex-change operation overseas and then place an add on E-Harmony:

Middle aged woman turned pretend man with a pretend cock seeks executive secretary wife because Tony Attwood says I need one. You will need to be extremely well-organised but clearly insane and have a striking resemblance to a pre-anorexic Karen Carpenter; she is the only woman I could possibly consider 'turning' for. 

Then I would just sit back and wait for the eager responses to come piling in. Done. 

Meanwhile, I am left not only cock-less and executive secretary -free, but I have conveniently backed myself into a corner where I am expected to be not only my own executive secretary, but also to my three boys who all would appear to need one as well. And I suck at it. Did I mention that? 

Other things I suck at:
  • Parking
  • Talking
  • Cooking
  • Sewing
  • Craft
  • Team sport
  • DIY/Decorating
  • Art
  • Dancing

And almost anything with an 'ing’ on the end of it. Except catastrophising. I’m brilliant at that. Gotta be gifted at something. Right, that’s me. I’m off to grow a cock. Cheerio. 

Linking up with Robomum for The Lounge

                                                     What do you suck at?


  1. It is taking all my restraint not to makes joke with the theme word 'suck' and what you need to grow...but I won't. I would like an executive wife. Sounds like she'd be ace at the dull stuff...

  2. I got slightly distracted by the mention of cake ... I have an executive wife in the form of SD who writes me list constantly and even put the towels by the kettle this morning to remind me to wash them and he comes with his own cock which means I don't have to go to all the trouble of growing one myself...

    1. Bargain! You're a lucky woman.

  3. I think my husband and I would both like an executive wife! I'm not so great at the organisational stuff most of the time either.

    1. Yeah, it all sucks. Who says we have to be organised. Non-organisers unite! Let's organise a support group! Or not...

  4. Yep - organisation is a bit of a downfall for lots of people... It's bloody hard. And chuck a couple of dependants into the mix and it's damn near impossible. You don't suck a blogging by the way - you don't blog often but what you deliver is always pretty cool. Cheers for linking up! X

    1. Yes, it's the dependents and a little thing called the Internet that can be very distracting. Ahem. Thanks for the kind words. xo

  5. I'll have one of those executive wives too long as she can cook and clean of course! Maybe that's why people get into polygamy..more wives to do the shit you don't want to.