Monday, 10 March 2014

Box Office Bogan

It's quite obvious that my life should be made into a movie. In fact, I can't believe that nobody has ever approached me with a movie deal already. I mean, the story of my life has everything: triumph, tragedy, comedy, pathos, bogans AND cakies. Clearly all the ingredients for box office smash.

The only remaining question is: who should play the coveted part of yours truly? Just because Angelina Jolie is my doppelganger that doesn't mean she should automatically get the part. That wouldn't be fair. I'd have to give other actresses a fair chance too.

What do you mean you don't see the resemblance? You need to get your glasses adjusted! Or I do. As well as my medication. Oh alright, I suppose Nicole Kidman may be much more suited to the role being Australian and a tall, elegant, beautiful red head. Having two out of five of those things in common would certainly count as a resemblance, I'm sure. No? God, you people are hard to please.

Then again, you could have a point. After all, Cate Blanchett is the newest Oscar winner. Therefore she may well be keen to take on yet another stellar part which will be guaranteed to get another Oscar nod. She still has to catch up to Meryl, after all. This could be her most challenging role to date. A character who rarely talks. There will be no pages of witty dialogue to learn, instead she will have to use subtle nuances and blank expressions to convey the complexity of this bogan. Plus, there is the fact that she will have to shrink in height while quadrupling her width. I smell another Oscar right there, Cate.

Oh! I know! People were always telling me that I looked like Gillian Anderson when that Scummy and Mouldy show was all the rage. Well - at least one person did. They were being scathingly sarcastic but DETAILS. I'm sure that with some coaching from the brilliant Meryl she could pull of an Australian accent. Instead of "The dingo took my baby!" which became Meryl's oft repeated classic line from Evil Angels, the classic line from the movie of my life would be:

"The kids took my cakie!"

Riveting viewing right there.

However, after pondering on this important question for a while, I've realised that the perfect casting as me would be the wonderful Toni Colette. Not only is she Australian but she's also originally a Boganville girl herself. Apparently she grew up around these parts. I probably walked past her at the shops as a teenager in the 1980's, sporting a tragic perm, so I can practically claim to know her. The fact that she is jet-setting around the World starring in movies and my most exciting outing is STILL to those same shops every week, means nothing. My life is still worthy of a movie, dammit!

 From such humble beginnings Toni reinvented herself and went on to become famous and successful. And rich. And a great actress. And I think I hate her. What does she have that I don't? Talent? Yeah, you got me there.

Anyway, she's my ultimate choice to play me. I'm imagining her as a sort of middle aged Muriel (meaning me) which she could pull off with weight gain or a fat suit. It would almost be like a kind of sequel of sorts to Muriel's Wedding except it could be called Ness's Marriage or The Secret Dream World Of A Cakeaholic. The soundtrack would be peppered with Carpenters songs bringing back a wave of Carpenters nostalgia the way Muriel did for Abba.

"I want my life to be as good as a Carpenters song!" my character, played by Toni, would declare as Top Of The World trills cheerily in the background.

Then, in typical Hollywood fashion, there would be the obligatory, albeit completely fictional, happy ending when we finally leave Boganville forever having obtained that McMansion in Boganville Heights.

Micky Blue Eyes, the boys and I bundle into the car and drive off beaming at each other euphorically  as we shout:

"GOODBYE BOGANVILLE!" 

This time Please Mr Postman beats jauntily along as the credits roll. This song has absolutely nothing to do with the plot or ending. There just aren't that many upbeat Carpenters songs to be honest.

Alternatively, I could use my adult diagnosis with Asperger's Syndrome as the central theme. The film would then turn into a heartfelt and gripping drama about the complexities of living with High Functioning Autism equivalent to Rain Man or that movie about Temple Grandin starring Claire Danes. This would show how I have triumphed in life despite the diagnosis becoming a brilliant bogan blogger and enviable Yummy Mummy and MILF. I do have children and I find cakies and chocolate quite yummy so I eat them a lot. That is what being a Yummy Mummy is I think. And the boys tell me quite frequently that I'm a 'Mum I Love Forever'. That's the meaning of MILF, right?

So many options. Right. Time to place a call to Toni's agent seeing as though she is not responding to my emails. Can't imagine why.....

Linking up with Tegan from Musings Of The Misguided for I Must Confess.

                                                    
                                                 Who would play you in the movie of your life?
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17 comments:

  1. heehee. I like the upbeat one...Go with Angelina. Hollywood means you can be as creative as you like. Just remember, in Giant, Carroll Baker, who plays Elizabeth Taylor's daughter, was older in real life than her screen mother. As you say, DETAILS!

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    1. Yes, anything goes in Hollywood. Except this film idea, I expect....

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  2. Ness, I suggest you cut out the middle man and go independent film. Find one of those avant guard directors and let it rip. Before all of that glory, you would be the perfect person to write the screen play.

    You were asking for ideas for you blogs, right? How about you write a screen play for us and post parts of it as you go. You could do it in jest and you coud be serious. We'd know the difference. Ness of Boganville the Screen Writer has a nice ring to it.

    Instead of "Please Mr. Postman", I'd go with "We've Only Just Begun".

    My final observation on this post: you have a vivid, humorous imangination :-).

    Ben

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    1. Ha ha, sounds like an interesting idea, Ben. I don't think I could take it seriously if I did write a script. It would definitely be a parody.

      I love the idea of We've Only Just Begun at the end, Thanks Ben. :)

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  3. I can totally see the part going to Toni Collette. Great choice!

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    1. Yes, it really works, right? Thanks Janet. x

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  4. Thank goodness you picked Toni Collette, the first three are really boring!

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    1. They kind of are now that you mention it. Thanks love. x

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  5. Love it! I can tell everyone that I knew Ness before she moved to her McMansion and became the envy of bloggers everywhere!

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    1. What? They already envy me, don't they?! Hmph.

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  6. I love the way you write. You always cheer me up and by the time I finish one of your posts I'm always smiling :)

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    1. Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad I could brighten your day. x

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  7. Bloody hell you are such a witty writer Ness - thanks for the laughs, head nods and LOL's!!!!!!!!! I have to say I agree Toni would be a great pic - she would also SO dye her hair for you I reckon x

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    1. Thanks Em and you're pretty bloody great yourself, you know. I'm thinking Toni would have gain weight as well but how hard could that be, she could just start devouring cakies to get into character and it would be DONE. xo

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  8. You do make me laugh, Ness. And I adore Toni Collette, definitely go with Toni :)

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    1. Toni is awesome. So are you. Thanks Ace. xo

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  9. Toni would be an awesome choice. And you are an awesome blogger Ness - this is one of my favourite posts in a long time. Love your work!

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