Thursday, 3 October 2013

An Open Letter To 2013

Dear 2013,

First of all, four words.

SLOW THE FUCK DOWN ALREADY!!

Okay, that was five words. I have more.

It seems like only yesterday that I welcomed you whole heartedly with my usual quiet night in wild, crazy party, eagerly anticipating everything that you would bring. As fireworks exploded in a frenzy outside (nothing to do with NYE, just a typical night in Boganville) I mapped out an exciting year filled with amazing experiences, opportunities and achievements.

There I was, picturing myself six months down the track, slim, sleek and superior having succeeded in sticking to that major health kick/diet/fitness extravaganza we all aspire to on January 1st. This was the year. It was all happening. No excuses. After all, I was turning 42 and I would finally know the answer to The Meaning Of Life. It's 42, right?

Therefore, I was poised to possess all the wisdom of the ages come January 15, 2013 when my 42nd birthday rolled around. Wrong.

Instead, I remained as clueless as ever. By August I all I had achieved was high cholesterol and blood sugar levels. Classy.

Additionally I was certain that 2013 would see us finally living in that McMansion in Boganville Heights but we remain firmly ensconced in the Bogan Box like happy little sardines. Or not so little sardines in my case. Ahem.

Apparently it already October. That cannot be right. That means that Christmas is around the corner despite my frantic efforts to officially cancel it for this year. Nobody seems to be taking any notice and I'm afraid that the next time I venture to the shops there will be tinsel everywhere and Mariah Carey warbling about all she wants for Christmas. MAKE IT STOP!

I mean, for goodness sake, 2013, couldn't you have just let the Autumn months linger for a bit longer this year? The leaves are all pretty, it's sunny through the day and cool enough at night to sleep which is a win/win situation for everyone. But now we're heading into Summer which means not only will it be Christmas but also frightfully hot and we can't have that or I'll whinge just like I whinge when it's too cold. At least I'm a consistent whinger. That's something.

I simply can't understand why, when there is so much technology these days that nobody has found a way to stop time. Seriously, 2013 you are just moving along frightfully, awfully, alarmingly, shockingly, astonishingly, amazingly and any other word you can bung 'ly' on the end of, fast.

Yes, I am well aware that an abundance of adverbs is the sure sign of a lazy, novice writer but I've never pretended to be anything else, have I? So ner. I'm going with it.

Furthermore, I had envisioned 2013 as the year when I would finally be able to write one of those smug, posturing end of year Christmas type posts/letters bragging about how completely fabulous, marvellous, stupendous, momentous and any other word you can bung 'ous' on the end of, the year had been for us.

Instead you will be stuck with my usual self-deprecating drivel. You're welcome.

Frankly it's all your fault, 2013. You have left me NO TIME to achieve anything. Okay, so I've had a whole ten months. Or nine months and 3 days. Minor detail. Ahem.

There is only approximately 80 something days until Christmas and in that time I have SO MUCH happening. Mr 4 becomes Mr 5 in a month's time and begins Kindergarten orientation. Right after he 'graduates' from pre-school. When did that start happening? Four and five year olds graduating complete with cap and gown?

I could have sworn he was only a baby five minutes ago. In addition to this, Mr 12 will be heading off to High School in 2014. While my heart will burst with pride, at the same time it's all a bit disconcerting that they are growing up so quickly and I just need to hit the pause button for a while. It's making my head spin.

At this rate they will all be grown up and become young men and I'm not ready. What on Earth will I blog or tweet about without my little men? I might have to actually get a life! Scary.

When I was a little girl 2013 seemed so far away and futuristic, now it's nearly over. I was certain somebody would have invented a time machine by now. Sigh.

I know you won't listen, 2013. You will be done and dusted practically before I finish typing. My head will spin right off my shoulders and I will spend months trying to catch up, still writing 2013 when it's 2014 just so you can continue to mock me. You win.

I'm off to try to frantically do ALL THE THINGS in less than three months. You have forced me to think about Christmas shopping in October. Who does that? Intelligent, organised people, you say? See? You're already mocking me. It's Mocktober. In fact, I've decided I'm over you, 2013. Bring on 2014.

2014 will be sensible and crawl along at a snails pace, right? Or I'll just start the whole mess over again...*sobs*

 Yours Regretfully,

Ness


Linking up with Robo for The Lounge.

                    
                                 Are you getting into the Christmas spirit? Or is 2013 spinning out of
                                                                 control for you?
Reactions:

30 comments:

  1. If its any consolation to you - I spent 3/4 of 2013 being 42 and I did not acquire the answer to life's ultimate question. Indeed I dont even understand why we need to keep calm and carry a towel. I suggest we launch a class action against the publishers of the hitch hikers guide to the galaxy for fraud. Finally HELL NO - I am not getting into the Christmas spirit.

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    1. Yeah, let's sue the arses of those lying bastards! xo

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  2. Too right. I can't believe it's October! Christmas, bloody hell, IT"S NOT Christmas yet!!

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    1. I don't even want to think about Christmas! It's making my head explode. xo

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  3. I'm not impressed with this year either. Usually, I'm willing the terms away like a crazy lady but this year has gone WAY too quickly. Today I drove past two pop-up Christmas trim stores. Seriously. On another note, I am looking forward to Halloween this year. I've bought pumpkins and everything ;o) Thanks for linking with The Lounge. Robo X

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    1. I don't even know when Halloween is but I'm sure my boys will remind me. Or people knocking at my door trick or treating. I hope they consider a can of tuna a 'treat. Ahem. xo

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  4. There's no way to beat time. It goes something like this, "Time stops for no one." Why fight it?

    Here's a fun exercise; I say this with a devilish grin on my face. Take a tape measue and pull out eighty centimeters or inches, depending on what system of measure you favor. Each cm or in represents a year of your life. Pinch off the number that represents your age, i.e. 42 cm or in would be 42 years of age. Then subtract it from eighty, which represents the average life expectancy.

    If you live to be eighty years old, that's how many more years you have left to live. It makes you really think doesn't it? If you're past forty, your life is more than half over. Why am I torturing you right? The point is to look at the time you have and decide how you will make best use of that time. Consider your priorities and what you wish to accompish before it is time for you to leave.

    One thing is certain, we will all leave this world. Don't waste your precious time and don't get caught up in the petty bullshit that's so prevalent in this world. If you're so inclined, pay attention to what is to come after you are gone.

    I for one hope to hear Karen Carpenter sing a lovely song for me when I'm gone. That would be sweet indeed.

    Ben

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    1. I was being a bit tongue and cheek and melodramatic. I certainly know you can't stop time and I realise my life is half or more over. I don't want much except to see my boys grow up, really. And I would love to hear KC singing in Heaven. That certainly would be very sweet indeed. xo

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  5. I agree! Slow down 2013 and back off 2014!! Stay the hell away!!!

    I've only ever kept one New Years resolution. That was to drink more and party harder. That was in the '90s, enough said.

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    1. Well, at least you've kept one. Ahem. xo

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  6. I'm not ready for Halloween yet (which is the highlight of my year) so christmas is not on my radar. But seriously, how did I get to be this old? And why? And why does it suck so much?

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    1. Yeah, I'm turning into a grumpy old woman. Not that I was ever particularly sunny and perky. Ahem. xo

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  7. I love who you are, the way you blog, speak and parent, it's you and it ROCKS! Your updates make me laugh everytime I see them, I'm such a self depreciating humour JUNKIE! Em xxx

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    1. Awww, thanks Em! You crack me up, too. xo

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  8. I fucking hate Christmas. None of you will be surprised to hear. I will deal with it at the start of December, as always, and not one moment before. And as always will put on a good show for the kids, because they love it. As for the rest, I am opting out of calendars and years and whatnot. *Shakes fist at the sky.*

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    1. I don't really get into it either and wonder if I'm being way too negative. I just hate the whole commercialised side of it.

      I wish I could ditch the calendars. In fact, I may as well do so as I'm always so shockingly badly organised with them that I may as well not bother. Sigh. xo

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  9. Ness, you've probably figured me out by now. If you like to portray life's problems, non-problems, emotions, and concerns humorously, then I like to take the opportunity to engage in a little philosophical commentary about them.

    I understand that you're being funny. My comments are never meant as a criticism or to make you feel like you're less. Of all the people, you certainly aren't less; you're just being Ness and that's lovely. You have great priorities.

    Ben

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    1. Thanks so much, Ben. Appreciate your thoughts. xo

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  10. Christmas can be stressful, and I hear all of you.

    I like to focus on the meaning of Christmas and enjoy the spirit of good will that comes with it. Gifts can be nice, but it's the fun I have with family. It's the time we spend together. It's the wonderful food we share. It's all of those things and more.

    Getting started early and spacing out your preparations helps. Good planning furthers.

    Ben

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    1. This is my problem with Christmas. I'm never organised. And yes, I realise this is MY problem. Sigh. You are right to focus on the spirit of good will. xo

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  11. I LOVE Christmas!

    That is all.

    Except, great writing, loved it.

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  12. Mocktober is bloody right. I cannot believe here we are 3 months to Xmas. Where did my year go?

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  13. Oh, bugger. I thought it already was 2014 and I had simply slept through the silly season *sigh* (slinks off to start a To-Do list)

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  14. Mocktober YES. Because I'm still firmly ensconsed in September, possibly in some other year. When I pause to ask the date in pharmacies, they think they only need to tell me the first number. OH NO. I need the month. AND THE YEAR.
    NO CHRISTMAS. Because shopping. And hard. Not playing. Over and out. xx

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    1. I'm SO with you. Never remember dates and I'm NOT playing either! *hi fives* xo

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  15. Oh hai. Will also be 42 this year.
    And was a shit year for us too.
    So cheers from SE Boganland.
    :)

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    1. Oh no. Sorry to hear. :(
      Thanks for stopping by. xo

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