Thursday, 26 September 2013

Are You Being Served (By A Freakazoid)?

Customer service is certainly not my 'thing'. In fact people are not even my thing, period. Which is odd considering that I'm supposed to be one. Debatable. I may look like something resembling a person, albeit a rather unattractive one but I'm quite positive that I'm not one. Unsure what weird kind of alien species I am, really but my friend Randa came up with the word Freakazoid and I like it so I'll pinch that.

How does this Freakazoid know that Customer Service isn't her thing? Because she is a Freakazoid, that's how. The fact that she talks about herself in the third person just adds to the whole Freakazoid phenomenon.  Additionally, she also worked in a Customer Service type job for 3 years back in the 1990's. It wasn't much fun. I guess that might be why it's called work. Ahem. More specifically it was a call centre for N R No Way, a rather well known insurance and motor side assistance concern.

The point of this post is that I am not going to complain about any poor Customer Service that I've received. Instead I am going to take the opportunity to say this:

If you ever called N R No Way between the years 1994 to 1997 and dealt with a whispery voiced, ineffectual eejit who didn't know the answers to any of your questions then put you on hold a rather annoying amount of times in order to go and find out before eventually cutting you off, it was probably me and I am deeply and sincerely sorry. Terribly, terribly, frightfully sorry. And no, I can't get through a post without channelling Enid Blyton. You'll just have to deal with it. Smashing.

Furthermore, if you received a quotation from said ineffectual eejit ie. me and then barked into the phone "What was your name? Melissa, was it?" intending to ring back later, only to ring back and have difficulty locating the 'Melissa' you spoke to, that was because my name is actually Vanessa but I didn't correct you because obviously I wanted to dodge your return call.

Again, ever so sorry. Sort of. Kind of. Okay, not really. Bloody people!  Just because I was getting paid to provide service to you didn't mean I liked it! Seriously. What exactly do want from me? I was trying to be nice here and apologise but I can feel the judgement. How DARE you judge me?!

I do not deserve such judgement. I'm a nice person! All those cranky people wanting cheap insurance and ringing me were mean and nasty and annoying! Honestly, how RUDE is it to expect the sales assistant on the other end of the phone to know what they were talking about and pitch their voice above a whisper? Hmph.

I couldn't seriously be expected to deal with such trivial matters as Customer Service when I was clearly a writerly genius waiting to happen. Shut up. I could write the great Australian novel if I wanted to instead of a boring as batshit bogan blog. I just can't be arsed don't think the World is ready for that much of my sheer brilliance yet. Ahem.

While we are on the subject of my abysmal Customer Service ability I will also say that if you were an insufferably arrogant car dealer salesman type person who rang me and bellowed some sort of nonsensical code like thing at me such as "ALPHA, FOXTROT, ROMEO, BRAVO, 8900767198!!" and expected me to know what the actual fuck you were talking about and to be able to type all this information quicker than the speed of light and then became all belligerent and shouty when I couldn't keep up and demanded to speak to my supervisor, then I have two words for you:


On second thought, no. Not those two words. I do not wish to fuck you. I wouldn't touch you with a barge pole. Partly because I have no idea what a barge pole is exactly but it sounds heavy. So yeah, no barge poles for me. Also, you are probably a hideous, balding gargoyle in an ill fitting suit with gold chains. Ew. Instead try this:

I think I feel better now. You will be happy to know that I resigned from the job and never tortured anyone with my dubious Customer Service skills ever again. And I never will. I've found an easier way to torture people. This blog. So ner.

A final thought on Customer Service. Well, not really a thought, more like an anecdote. I don't really remember any stories of horrifying Customer Service (besides my own woeful attempts) but rather an establishment not actually providing the product they were renowned for.

This happened once when we drove through  the drive through of a popular fast food chain. As you do, because this is why they are called drive throughs because you drive through them, you don't walk. That would be silly. Plus it would totally defeat the purpose, which is to be as bone lazy as possible while purchasing junk food. It just makes the path to obesity that much smoother, which I think we'll all find is quite handy. Or is that just me?

Anyway, I'll get to the point. Eventually. Soon. Alright, now.

This particular fast food concern is known for serving chicken as their main type of food. Let's just call them Red Rooter. Again, I must thank my esteemed friend Randa for this excellent turn of phrase. The following happened.

We cruised to a halt at the ordery thingy ( I have no idea what you call them) to hear the usual monotone "What would you like?"

To which Micky Blue Eyes replied "One whole chicken please."


Then the monotone voice came again. "Sorry, we have no chicken."

Excuse me?

No chicken? At a chicken shop. Red Rooter no less.

 I just wanted to say Red Rooter again. I'm really mature. Shut up.

Becoming rather annoyed at this news, Micky Blue Eyes exclaimed "Is this a fucking chicken shop, or what?"

They ignored this, instead asking "Is there anything else you'd like?"

We really just wanted the chicken and figured Red Rooter was a sure thing for it. Apparently not.

"No thanks. " Mick growled and we sped off feeling rather annoyed and still hungry for chicken.

How rude of them not to have any chicken when they were a chicken establishment who at the time were known for proudly proclaiming:

 Australia, your chicken is ready! Hmph.

Imagine going to the bank to withdraw money and they say "I'm sorry. We have no money."

Imagine going to a florist for flowers and being told "I'm sorry. We have no flowers."

Imagine going to a bakery for bread and being told "I'm sorry. We have no bread."

Actually that last one would be okay because they would usually have cakies so who cares about boring old bread when there are CAKIES.

No, I can't get through a whole post without mentioning cakies either. Shut up.

Right, that's it from me then. As you were.

Linking up with The Queen Of Awesome for The Lounge.

Do you love providing Customer Service or are you more of a Freakazoid like me?

                      Any customer service horror stories you can tell me so I can comfort myself
                       that there are worse Freakazoids than me? There is, isn't there??

Monday, 16 September 2013

Escape From Boganville: It's Controversial (Not Really)

The weekend before last I managed to escape from Boganville.  I have barely managed this in 42 years except for the odd holiday here and there. Born and bred bogan. That's me. Classy. Naturally if an opportunity arises to escape from here, I would wish to visit somewhere glamorous and exciting. A faraway place bursting with culture and sophistication. Luckily, this place fitted all the above criteria. Two words.

Wagga Wagga. Or is it one word repeated? Whatever.

This exciting escape presented itself to me when my Mum mentioned she was heading there to surprise my aunt for her 70th birthday. I figured I'd tag along. It was decided that I would go with my parents and Mr 9 and 4. Micky Blue Eyes and Mr 12 already had a Darwin adventure planned for the following week.

The plan was that myself and the boys would sleep over at my parents house on the Thursday so we could leave early on Friday morning, stopping at Maccas for breakfast and returning the following Monday. So it was that I slept in my old bedroom with Mr 9 and 4, which is still painted a delightful  shade of peach However, most of my Queen Anne bedroom ensemble has disappeared with only the beside table remaining. The room now sports two beds, a 'king' single and a single. Therefore I spent a relaxing night in the King single cuddled up to Mr 4.

I woke up early.The boys were still blissfully asleep having been up late the previous night chattering away. Finally I had to wake them.  Pointlessly, I called to them to wake up. Nothing. I tried again.  Still nothing. There was only one thing to do.

"Wake up! It's time to go to Macca's! Do you want to go to Macca's?" I shouted.

Two sets of eyes shot open. "YES!" they chorused.

They were up and dressed in record time. And we were on the road. Which isn't very interesting to write about. We passed the time playing Eye Spy. Mr 4 wanted to control the whole game, which resulted in him and his brother fighting. Quite a relaxing way to spend a car journey. NOT. Eventually they dozed off for a while and we made it to Maccas at Goulburn. I've never seen two boys devour hot cakes and hash browns so fast. Anybody would think I never feed them. I do. Sometimes. I can't help it if that bloody Dinner Fairy never shows up! Shut up.

Hours later we arrived in Wagga and found our motel. Unfortunately our room was upstairs. Unfortunate because LAZY. Once again, shut up.

The plan was to head over to my cousin's house and surprise my aunt which we did. She was surprised but delighted to see us. We spent the rest of the afternoon chatting and drinking endless cups of tea. I worked out that it had been roughly 8 years since I'd seen my cousin and she'd never seen Mr 4 (soon to be 5). The sooner somebody invents one of those beaming up devices the better. Come on inventors it's 2013 already!

I won't bore you with every tiny detail of the weekend because it might sound like all we did is eat, drink and talk. Which we did. Is there a problem with that? Ahem. A wonderful time was had by all and we made it back home on Monday.

At this point you may have noticed that there is nothing remotely controversial about this post at all. And every one of my other posts. I  have to confess, I don't really do controversy. Instead, I do a lot of blahing. It's totally a verb, okay? I should know because it's what I do quite frequently. Feel a bit blah about everything and anything. Spend a minute, hour, day blahing. But I am trying to be a bit less 'blah'. But I have to confess it is most decidedly uphill work. When you have a tendency to 'blah' trying not to is a bit like pushing shit uphill while wading through quicksand. But I digress.

In fact when I saw this on The Lounge's FB wall I figured I should probably quit blogging.

I don't really do any of those things. Other than maybe giving people a bit of chuckle from time to time. And tweeting Can't really say my tweets are Earth shattering, though. Especially after spending a whole day a few days ago tweeting Carpenters lyrics while everyone else was tweeting inspirational #pbevent stuff. Sigh.  But that was one of the reasons I figured I could get away with it. Nobody was paying attention to me because they were all at that ProBlogger thingy. Ahem.

Plus, who says Carpenters songs aren't inspirational? At least one of them encourages the listener to:

"Sing, song a song! Don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear! Just sing, sing a song!"

So, I may as well apply the same theory to my blog  regardless of the lack of controversy or cutting edge posts. I'm just going to:

Blog! Blog a post! Don't worry that's it's not good enough for anyone else to read! Just blog! Blog a post!

Everybody join in!


Lazily linking up ridiculously late with Kimbooli for The Lounge.

Also linking up with Kirsty from My Home Truths for I Must Confess.

Have you made any escapes lately? Do you like being controversial?

Monday, 9 September 2013

The Buried Hopes Of A Bogan (Or Something)

It's hard to believe that I could have any regrets. I mean, just look at my life. I'm a 42 year old unemployable, overweight bogan living in a fibro box in Boganville. It doesn't get any better than that, right? However the truth is, my life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes now. That's a sentence I once read in a book and I say it over to comfort myself in these times that try the soul. Not really. The first part about the buried hopes, anyway. I've just always wanted to use that line out of Anne Of Green Gables. Ahem.

Anyway, onto my regrets. Deep regretful sigh. SIGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Surprisingly I do have  a few. I think it would probably be a good thing to confess to them and let them go. I'll feel so much better and move forward free from regrets, a huge weight finally lifted from my shoulders. That, or I'll just add this post to the list. Who knows? Only one way to find out. In no particular order I present my list of bogan regrets:

  • I regret decorating the living room of my parents house with a texta pen when I was around three years old. Sorry Mum!
  • I regret kicking that boy in the shins at school when he tried to comfort me because I was peeved about not getting to go home early one day when my brother did. Even though I don't remember exactly who you were. Sorry, dude.
  • I regret reading my Enid Blyton books under the desk at school. (Actually, no I don't. Honestly, what 10 year old book worm could put those books down and concentrate on their long division just when George and Timmy the dog were about to catch those nasty smugglers? None, right? The thing was impossible.)
  • I regret cutting off my long hair when I was 14.
  • I regret then thinking that a mullet perm was a good idea. Or any perm.
  • I regret wasting so much energy thinking I was 'fat' when I was younger.
  • I regret turning down that lucrative modelling contract when I was younger because I thought I was 'fat'.
  • Okay, there was no contract. I just made that last point up to see if you were paying attention. As if you would believe that anyway. Did you? Don't answer that.
  • I regret making that up, okay?! (Not really, I have to get your attention somehow. Ahem.)
  • I regret saving up a sizeable chunk of money when I was young, ostensibly so I could go overseas and then just getting married and putting it into a mortgage and never going, because now that will never happen. An even deeper regretful sigh. SIGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
  • I regret perceiving being such a quiet person as extremely negative trait and not seeing it as a possible strength in having a library career.
  • I regret the consequence of the above perception. This resulted in me 'burning my bridges' in almost every job I had. I ended up leaving because I believed it was only a matter of time before I was fired. I have since learnt that this is common thing that Aspie's do.
  • Sometimes I regret not knowing that I am Aspie sooner than age 40. Unsure if it would have made any difference so I don't spend too much time on this regret.
  • I regret turning down Brad Pitt's proposal because then he went and married that bloody pouty Angelina Jolie biatch.
  • Okay, you caught me making up stuff again. I admit, it was a bit obvious that time. As if anyone would turn me down for Angelina. Unthinkable, right? Pfffffffffffffft.
  • I regret replacing my exercise addiction with a cakie one because now I'm struggling to reverse that.
  • I regret going to Weight Watchers a few years ago and doing so well, losing weight, only to fall off the wagon spectacularly and regain. See above point.
  • I really regret that anxiety has become such a presence in my life and is something I struggle with constantly. Enormous regretful sigh containing all the sorrows of the ages. SIGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Having now confessed to such a long list of regrets I must add that I am (slowly) learning to accept myself and the way things are right now, rather than focusing on 'could have beens' and 'shoulds' and 'what ifs' and all that maudlin stuff that can be quite draining and a waste of energy. After all, I haven't listed any murders, have I? Oh wait. I accidentally murdered my dog. Oops. Long story. I do deeply and profoundly regret that. Sorry Betsy!

Right. That's it. Nothing else. I've never been arrested, been caught naked or done drugs or anything illegal. Damn. I'm actually frightfully boring. Maybe I better go and get arrested just so I can add something interesting to my list. I regret being boring. On second thought, being boring is what I do best. Especially with this blog. You're welcome.

Linking up with Kirsty from My Home Truths for I Must Confess.

   What are your regrets? Or do you have more of an Edith Piaf approach to life and have no regrets?