Friday, 9 August 2013

Long Lost Letters And Other Lame Stuff

There was a time, approximately a billion years ago, (or you know, at least twenty, which often feels like the same thing) when I used to write SO MANY letters. Not surprisingly, I had dozens of admirers and received truck loads of love letters each week. It was hard to have to break so many hearts with polite and poetic little epistles detailing why we couldn't be together, but I had to do it.

I loved  making up stuff, you see. Like most of the above paragraph. Ahem. No, sadly, there were no admirers. Not one. Hmph. I still don't get it. I mean, I was clearly such a fetching teenager. Observe.

How did all the boys resist
such mulleted loveliness?

 Needless to say, I then blossomed into a smoking hawt twenty something. My hawtness was just totally OFF THE SCALE. No wonder the boys stayed away in droves. It was just too overwhelming. Clearly. Behold the photographic evidence:

Hawt, Hawt HAWT. Erm..NOT.

So, in order to keep myself busy while hordes of males secretly lusted after me, but were too intimidated to approach me, I had to have a hobby. Naturally, I chose an exceptionally cool one. Pen-pals. I've always been cutting edge.

Remember those days? Snail mail. Now the only snail mail I receive is bills and junk mail. Which I find considerably rude. However, if I wish for any alternative correspondence I shall have to think about how I operated in the past. Scribbling away with an actual pen on paper and putting it in an envelope and posting it. Except I won't. Because I've become shockingly lazy. I'll just blog about it instead. Because it's fascinating, obviously, like everything about me.

Last week my parents called in and my Mum had brought with her a bag full to the brim of old letters, cards and an old school report that had belonged to me.  I was able to spend the afternoon having a lovely little trip down memory lane sorting through it all.  After this heart warming foray into the past, I came to following conclusions:

Some things change. Such as, 'friends' who promised to be so FOREVER. Turns out they weren't even a friend's arsehole. Just the arsehole bit. Period. Good riddance.

Some things NEVER change. This was confirmed by a comment on the old school report which said:

Vanessa displays no interest in craft.

At least I am consistent in some things. I have consistently  maintained a stunning lack of interest in craft for the past 30 years. Which is, quite clearly, something to be proud of.

I also had at least three international  pen-pals. Two from Germany and one from Italy. I wrote to these girls for quite a number of years because they were NICE. Unlike that horrible bitch I wrote to once out of the pen-pals section of Smash Hits magazine, who, for some inexplicable reason, must not have been impressed with my heartfelt confession that in addition to Madonna and INXS I also loved The Carpenters and Barbra Streisand. What is wrong with these people who can't handle my hawtness and exquisite taste?

Anyway, I wrote to my German pen-pals, Steffi and Gudrun, and my Italian one Anna Maria for years. One by one, we all eventually got married and slowly stopped writing to each other. In short, I became a slack arsed bitch and lost contact with them. Oops.

In addition to my pen-pals, I also wrote to a couple of the above arseholian 'friends' and several relatives. I loved writing letters.  Eventually I met Micky Blue Eyes and I may have even written him a soppy letter or two. He never replied. But he didn't run away shrieking either, which, when I think about it now, could have been a distinct possibility.

He did, however, manage to bestow upon me the odd post card or jokey card, with a 'Take it easy, Love Mick' scrawled on the bottom of it. No wonder I was swept away with such romantic gestures. Makes you all warm and fuzzy, doesn't it? Or nauseous and queasy? Or something.

I also finally discovered where I get my genius for poetry from, after coming across a corny charming poem my Mum had written for me in an old birthday card. Thanks, Mum! For writing that poem and also passing on your GENIUS. People will understand our greatness one of these days. Maybe. It could happen. Shut up.

Among the cards was this one, pictured below,  for my 21st birthday, from some old colleagues I worked with at the time. It cracked me up. I do love a good lobster meal.

Incidentally, I also came across an old pay slip from those heady old days when I was temping for Library Locums. Apparently I was earning an astronomical $12.98 per hour! This kind of explains why I am now living a life of luxury in Boganville. I was always destined for great things.

Here I am living it up in luxury with a
lovely lobster dinner. And a
bad bowel hair cut...

Fast forward to today and here I am still being AWESOME. I now don't write any letters. I write this brilliant boring as batshit blog instead, for which I earn - absolutely nothing! So ner.

Linking up with Cathy from The Camera Chronicles for Flashback Friday.

Did you ever have any pen-pals? Do you ever use snail mail these days?


  1. LOL _ you always make me laugh with your posts !!!!
    OH - what a great trip down memory lane I have just taken !!! I had pen pals - one in Finland (who my folks visited when they went there on holiday - buggers didn't even take me with to meet her !!!) She was forever posting me little gifts which were quite sweet (at the time anyway !!!)
    And then there was another one in England but she was a bit strange so we didn't 'pen-pal' it for very long.
    I LOVE snail mail. If you would like some nice snail mail - DM or email me your address and I'll include you in Project Brighten Someone's Day.
    I still love writing letters although I don't write nearly as many as I used to.
    Have the best weekend !

    1. Oh, that project thing sounds awesome. I will message you. Thanks, hon. xo

  2. Oh, I've missed your posts Vanessa! So funny! Had to laugh at the part about the Smash Hits pen friend...I think I may have obtained one that way as well lol. We were obviously both living exciting lives back then ;)

    1. They were VERY exciting times. I wish I had kept those old Smash Hits magazines. Would be funny for a look back. Thanks, Cathy. xo

  3. We had a pen pal program at school which was good fun. lol I love your photos! I think we all have pics like that hanging about displaying us at our best!

    1. I love embarrassing myself with awful old photos. I'm not sure what that says about me. Ahem.

      Thanks for reading!

  4. Oh how funny. I am also an alumni of the Smash Hits magazine pen pal program. Penpallers make the best bloggers. Loves

    1. It was YOU who didn't reply to my letter! Hmph.

      We really do make the best bloggers. xo

  5. I used to write many letters too. Still have a bunch of them in a great big bin bag, should sort through it sometime. Old love letters, pen friends, friends I met in Scotland who lived (and still live) in the USA. These days, we mainly email, it's just so much easier. I do miss receiving letters though. Every now and then I go old school and send a card or letter, these days that's gets folk all excited :)

    1. It really is exciting to receive something that isn't bills or junk mail. That will be a nice blast from the past for you when you do get around to going through that bin bag. Might take a while. xo

  6. LOL-ing at arseholian 'friends'

    My penpal of the 80's introduced me to Simon and Garfunkle via a mixed tape sent from the USA. I didn't realise at the time how dorky that was. I thought he'd uncovered a new hit band to rival Wham and Tears For Fears. Clearly these were the days before google.
    Loving the mullet Perm. It was a good look for ...... John Farnham?

    1. They really were arseholian. It's totally a word.

      Simon and Garfunkle certainly rivals the Carpenters for dorkiness. Kudos to you if you actually replied after that.

      And yes, I definitely should have left the mullets to Farnsey. xo

  7. No pen pals here, and I rarely use snail mail these days. E-mail is king these days. I was just wondering why I never did the pen pal thing.

    As a kid, I was out being wild. Later I became very studious. It also helps to have literate friends, and few of them were literate. My friends and I did have great conversations when we were together, but like your friends they faded away with the years.

    Though we like to think that we move in a coordinated and well planned fashion through life, I'm beginning to think that though there may be structure in our lives we tend to be aimless and uncoordinated in some ways.

    When it comes to past memories, I like to think about the lyrics from a great Merle Haggard (one of my fav's by the way) song: "The first time we met is a favorite memory of mine. Time changes all it pertains to, but your memory is stronger than time. Everything does change, except what we choose to recall, a million good day dreams to dream on. Honey, you are my favorite memory of all...."

    And after 21 years together with my love, I can still vividly remember her lovely, smiling face when I first met her. Yes, everything does change, except what I choose to recall--my favorite memory of all.


  8. And remember this Ness, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I guarantee you, there are people out there who do think you were and are "hawt". It could even be Mickey Blue Eyes...