Thursday, 18 July 2013

The Bogan Is Back!!


Hello everyone! I'M BACK!! How are we all? All my adoring fans. The whole two of you. I'm sure you've just been pining away waiting longingly for my words of wisdom. After all, who wouldn't?  Don't answer that. Ahem.

Anyway, I must confess that I've actually enjoyed having a bit of a bloggy break. I mean it is just so damn exhausting keeping up the standards that are necessary to be a Professional Bogan. Think about it. This means that I have to drag my sorry arse out of bed at 11am every single morning, or you know, just whenever I can be bothered, pull on my trackie dacks and ugg boots and then come up with these wonderfully witty and intensely riveting tales of our boring as batshit exciting and glamorous lives here in Boganville.

For instance, just this morning, I stumbled out of bed and bid farewell, bleary eyed,  to two out of three boys who set off to school, Micky Blue Eyes trailing behind them. Then I made myself porridge and positioned myself in front of the lap top where I proceeded to scroll down my Facebook news feed.

Fascinating stuff, right?

In addition to this, these last two weeks of my hiatus have been so action packed and absorbing that I simply do not know where to begin. Actually it was so exciting during the first week of the holidays that I can't even remember what happened. Yep, THAT exciting.

We did manage to get out for one of our ubiquitous Sunday drives. On a Sunday, strangely enough. Our destination was a nearby reserve or park type arrangement with picturesque gardens including a Japanese styled one. As soon as we disembarked from the car my head began to pound. Helpful.

 The boys sailed around merrily on their scooters while we meandered around behind them. Eventually though, my pounding head was too much to endure and we headed on to a nearby pub where we had lunch and I was able to have a much needed coffee and drugs. While there we decided it was indeed a very suitable and classy establishment in which to celebrate Mick's 50th birthday next month. There are pokies and everything. Noice.

The next day I did some grocery shopping, purchasing around 25 tonnes of food and spending around a billion bucks. Thereabouts*. This was all devoured within days.

On Wednesday Mr 11 became Mr 12, so I went to the tremendous effort of mixing up a packet cake for him. Caramel mud, to be precise. I certainly hope that child appreciates the sacrifices I make for him.  We then proceeded, clutching cake, to my parents house where the plan was to have pizza followed by the previously mentioned cake, with my brother and nephews also in attendance.

The only ploy to this plan was that I had apparently decided to have the Headache From Hell. AGAIN. Handy. This time no amount of coffee or drugs alleviated my pain. My head pounded steadfastly on. As it turned out, my Mum had also made her famous Apple Pie so the day could only be described as Headache Hell with an Apple Pie Heaven twist.

The next day we were scheduled to go the circus. I'm not sure why we would bother actually paying money for this when we can experience it at home. Mick is a clown, I'm the bearded lady and the boys are animals. Done. All we need is a trapeze. Just saying.

However, I was feeling somewhat wobbly and dizzy so I stayed home while Micky Blue Eyes took the boys and my mother-in-law in my place. Reportedly they had fun. Without me. How rude.

Then, after I started to feel a bit better I had another frightfully horrid wobbly, dizzy spell last Sunday, without ever even having a drop of alcohol. Smashing. What is with THAT? The no alcohol and the channelling Enid Blyton thing. Weird.

This has left me feeling rather despondent, dejected, gloomy, forlorn and any other sad adjective you can think of. I resisted the urge to consult a thesaurus there, you will be grateful to know. Suffice to say: Not. Happy. Jan. Hmph.

Then it occurred to me that a few days before these wobbly turns I was craving a good steak with a side of spinach. I NEVER crave spinach. I think my body is telling me to lay off the cakies and actually hit it with some nutrition including a bit of iron. Rude body. 

Therefore I am really in need of a good old Aussie Barbeque (you see how I did that, Loungers?)  with a steak the size of my head and lots of greenery on the side.  Weirdly enough, we just don't have enough barbecues. Disgraceful, if we are to call ourselves proud bogans.  Mick has some sort of paranoia about  gas ones, preferring the old fashioned wood ones. That all seems like too much effort for me to go to for a burnt sausage. Plus it is just too cold at this time of year.

I might have to make an exception though and get my barbeque on this weekend if possible. Why not? Bogans love burning things. We could even be really Klassy Bogans and throw a few pineapple rings on the barbie instead of shrimp. I have honestly never been to a barbecue where there have been 'shrimp' on the barbie, anyway. Plus, we call them prawns. Get it right, Hoges.

Until the next scintillating chapter, it's over and out from me.

*May be a slight exaggeration.

Linking up rather late (better late than never, right?) with Kirsty from My Home Truths for I Must Confess.


Also linking up with Robomum for The Lounge.


What exciting things have been happening in your world? Do you like a good old bogan BBQ?
Reactions:

30 comments:

  1. Too funny Ness! Hope that headache of yours gets better soon!! I spend a billion dollars a week on grceries too so i know you are not exagerating!! You really do need a gas barbie!!

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  2. Glad you had a good break - and glad you're back! Shame on you though for letting down bogans everywhere with your lack of bbqs. I would like a self-cleaning bbq. It's the cleaning part that makes it feel like an effort sometimes. Great post :)

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    1. Ugh YES, those darn Cleaning Fairies are always slacking off somewhere. Ahem. xo

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  3. You sure have a way with words Ness - love the circus family bit! Crack up! I did wonder where you had been, been missing a bit of bogan action! Hope you're back in good health. I make the bbq hubby's domain - ALWAYS

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    1. It really is a bit of a circus around here at times and not in a good way. Thanks for the kind words. xo

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  4. So funny Ness! I've never known anyone to make headaches hilarious, but there you go. You could be right on the iron deficiency thing. I suffer from it too and had an iron infusion last year which really helped kickstart my life again.

    I highly recommend a trip to the doctor for a blood test. Headaches and dizzy spells are no laughing matter (except when you write about them!).

    V.

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    1. I was about to type almost this exactly! You're a funny lady but you gots to take cares of yourself. Thanks for linking up today! X

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    2. That last headache SO wasn't funny at the time.

      You'll be pleased to know that I'm onto it and am having my bloods done next week. That iron infusion thing sounds interesting.

      Thanks Vanessa and Robo.xoxo

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    3. Ness, I wrote a post about the iron infusion ages ago. Got pictures of it all and everything! Let me know if you want the link. Good luck!

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  5. "Smashing" made me smile. Enid Blyton indeed

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  6. Love your work Ness! Every time I think of a shrimp I think of those tasteless ones you get in the flied lice from the local chinese shop..

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    1. Ohhh yum, love me a bit of fried lice, even with the tasteless 'shrimp'.

      Thanks dude. xo

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  7. Holy moly you are one funny bogantastic bogan! But what is going on with yo' headaches??? How ghastly. Poor chook.
    Still if it meant you got to miss a trip to the circus them I'm all for them. In fact, I feel one coming on right now...

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    1. Bogantastic! Love it! I'm so stealing that...

      Yeah not sure what's going on. Probably have something called 'children' I suspect. Having it all checked though, and getting a blood test done.

      Yes, was secretly relieved about the circus thing. Shhhh don't tell anyone. xo

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  8. Ugh, headaches suck. Hope you get everything sorted soon and are feeling better. You now have got me on an Enid Blyton nostalgia moment, gonna have to drag out all my old 'Famous Five' books..!

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    1. Thanks, I am feeling better. Loved the Famous Five too. xo

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  9. "Mick is a clown, I'm the bearded lady and the boys are animals. Done. All we need is a trapeze. Just saying." Haha! This. I have missed your tales from the dark side Ness :D

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  10. Oh Ness. Glad you're back. Get to the bottom of that head shit ok? Wobbliness is only funny when it's 10 feet up on a tightrope and you can point and laugh. And, you missed out on that. So just rude, as you said. I did love your spectacularly subtle and oblique BBQ reference.. it just slipped right in there. Well played. x

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    1. Clever, right? I am getting it all checked. Thanks, Kim. xo

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  11. Welcome back to your world of revelation! What will you blog about next? Regardless, it's bound to be humorous!

    I'm glad that you're checking yourself to be sure nothing funny is happening.

    One time I went through a battery of tests due to weird symptoms. Then I found out that I didn't have an ulcer from eating in Mexican or Chinese restaurants, and the doctor didn't know what was wrong.

    Then I did some self examination and realized that eating a whole tin of strong mints (Altoids) per day and eating too many gassy foods wasn't a good idea. Then it was the unrelenting conscious and subconsious stress that was getting me.

    The solution was pretty simple and cheap. I stopped the compulsive eating of Altoids. I put space between gassy meals. I started exercsing more and reduced stress as much as possible. Shazam, I was cured.

    Funny how doctors often only look for the results of health problems and they don't look at the causes. Boy, I'm glad that I found the causes and wow did life improve when I got a handle on them.

    Good luck with the tests. It'll probably be easier than you think.

    Ben

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    1. Exercising and reducing stress sounds like a fantastic idea. Thanks for the kind words and good wishes. xo

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  12. Congrats on surviving the school holidays. They are sent to try us that us for bloody sure!I've never had a shrimp on a barbie either although that may change having seen Tegan's very yummy looking recipe.

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    1. Yes school holidays are good for sleeping in, but...the rest of the time can be a challenge. Thanks for reading. xo

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  13. Hello stranger! Glad to see you back on deck. I hope your body is not being so cruel as to stop you having cakies - that would be rather rude indeed! Sorry for taking so long to visit - packing is sending me bonkers at the moment...

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    1. No problem at all, Kirsty as I was extremely late. Ugh, packing is not fun at all, but will be worth it in the end! xo

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  14. So glad you are back !!! I've missed your humour !!!!!!
    I hope your headaches are sorted out soon - certainly not something to be neglected !!!!
    Have the best day and keep those laughs coming !
    Me

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    1. Thanks love, seem to be feeling a lot better, but am having a it checked, anyway.

      There will always be some laughs coming around here. xo

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