Tuesday, 30 July 2013

Creepy Crush

As usual this slack arsed, bogan bitch did not get her shit together and have a post ready to link up for I Must  Confess yesterday. So naturally I'm doing the lazy bogan thing again and coming to the party late. But that's alright because the party doesn't start until I arrive, right? We all know I'm such a party animal.

Let's get straight to the point because I'm sure you've all been waiting anxiously for me to disclose the celebrities that I think are sizzling HAWT.  Well, here's the thing. I must confess that I've always been the one who usually just doesn't get it when other women are drooling over a celebrity.

This dates all the way back to when I was a teenager and all the other girls had major crushes on Simon Le Bon or Jon Bon Jovi. Yep, it was the 80's. Meanwhile, I wasn't remotely interested. I've never really been into 'pretty boys'. I don't want a guy who is prettier than me. Let's face it, that wouldn't be hard. Ahem.

My bewilderment over pretty boys has lived on the present day and I simply DO NOT understand all this fuss over Ryan Gosling. Oh, okay, he is hot. However,  that character he played in The Notebook is fictional ladies. It's just plain silly to have crushes on fictional characters, right? Oh wait..

After having a brief crush on Balmain Tigers player Wayne Pearce at around age 12, a few years later at the tender age of 14, the mini series (remember mini series? You're showing your age, if you do) of Anne Of Green Gables aired and I was smitten with Jonathan Crombie, the Canadian actor who played Gilbert Blythe. Of course, I had already been smitten with the character out of the book for years so it wasn't much of a stretch. Yes I know I just mentioned that it's silly to have crushes on fictional characters. It really is. But that didn't stop me.

Please call me Carrots, Gilbert..erm I mean Jonathan...

In the series, and the book, he called Anne 'Carrots' because he wanted to meet her so much and Anne cracked her slate over his head.  I wouldn't have minded if he'd called me Carrots. I've been called worse things. Such as a 'red headed rat rooter'. Classy.

This wouldn't be the first time I would fall in love with a fictional character. Who could forget Colin Firth as the enigmatic Mr Darcy in Pride & Prejudice?  It's not weird to have crushes on fictional characters, right? Nope. No way. Not weird at all.

At least not as weird as my most enduring and intense celebrity crush. A fascination and devotion that borders on the intensely creepy side.

Karen Carpenter.

Yes, I've had a massive 'girl crush' on a dead celebrity for 30 or so years. Shut up. I mean it, shut right up. And I'm not the only one. So ner. You know who you are, fellow Karen worshippers.

It seems weird, right? But if you take away the anorexia and the hideous 70's fashions and hair styles wasn't she just as cute as button? No? Hmph. Who asked you anyway? Oh, I did. Right. Well, I stand by my fascination. You can't stop me.

Besides, who could rock double denim like KC? 
Is it wrong to wish you
could have been that dog?

Groovy. Far out, even.

That little girl is such a bitch. Hmph. Should have been me.
The fact that I would have been a baby then and wouldn't
remember it now is completely irrelevant.
More recently, I happened to watch some of the documentaries by British television presenter and writer, Dawn Porter, and because she is a brunette who had this cute retro style and vibe going on she kind of reminded of Karen, therefore I developed a milder 'girl crush' on her. Ahem. Anyway. this is interesting because it turns out that she is married to Bridesmaids actor Chris O'Dowd, and despite deciding that that movie was a bit ordinary I decided he was a bit of alright. So, I'm just it putting it out there that if this particular couple is ever interested in a threesome, I'm totally up for that.* Because I'm certain that an overweight, middle aged bogan would be their first choice for that scenario. Can't think why not.

What a cute couple. I mean hawt...
And that is quite enough of my creepiness for one day. Or an eternity, really.
*Not really, we all know I'm too much of a Pollyanna. But I just wanted to leave you with that disturbing image. You're welcome.
Linking up with Kirsty from My Home Truths for I Must Confess.
Which celebrities do think are smokin' hawt? Or, you know, you just have a disturbing fascination
with them for no reason? Or is that just me....

Monday, 22 July 2013

The Weird And Wonderful Things I Do When (I Think) Nobody Is Looking

There is nobody around. No one can see. I am safe. If anybody actually saw what I am about to do they would seriously think I am crazy. They would probably hastily edge towards the nearest exit, eyes darting back towards me suspiciously,  as if I was some sort of strange, thoroughly alien species they had never seen before.  I would immediately be placed into the same category as those misfits sometimes spotted on public transport or doctors waiting rooms. Whenever you see them, you avert your eyes, embarrassed. After all, they may be a little - shall we say - 'special', so we shouldn't embarrass them, right?

I cannot suppress this urge. To me it is as unstoppable and as natural as breathing. If I don't do it I will feel restless, twitchy, agitated, anxious and unsettled. I have always done this, ever since I can remember. I've never known anyone else who does. From an early age I realised this. I am the only one who does this. Other people don't. I must not do it in public! To compensate for this I did other things, but they were thought of as slightly strange too.

If I had ever let anyone see me, especially the other kids at school, I knew there would be consequences. I would be tormented and bullied. Just like I was when I had a 'fang', a spare, rogue tooth growing above my front top teeth. Mercifully, I had it removed and the kids forgot and left me alone. So I knew I could never let them see this thing I did and still do. Never! It is a secret. That is the only way.

However much I try to hide it and do this alone, somebody will inevitably catch me. My family. I cannot get away from them. Not completely. They walk into a room and catch me, unawares. I stop, mortified.

"Why do you do that, Mum?" Mr 9 will ask, bewildered, maybe even a little scared.

"I don't know." I answer, embarrassed and unable to explain.

But I do know. Now. I didn't a few years ago. My family are used to it, though. Sort of. They still think it's bizarre.

To see somebody, a grown woman, standing there, her entire body gyrating backwards and forwards, blissfully rocking. My arms will also unwind, unbidden and I will jerk them back and forth as well.


Because Aspie's ROCK!! In my case, quite literally.  This is what is referred to in Aspie speak as 'stimming,' short for self-stimulatory behaviours as described here.

While it's believed that most people on the spectrum engage in these behaviours as a means of dealing with anxiety, I have to say for me personally when I am 'stimming' or rocking, which is my most common one, I am usually in my happy place. Listening to Carpenters music, merrily rocking away. Because let's face it why wouldn't you head bang to the Carpenters?

There seems to some controversy or question raised over whether ASD people should be made to stop or reduce their stimming behaviours. I can only say from my own experience I am SO GLAD and grateful that my parents never made a big deal out of it and just let me be and do it. I really don't think I could stop myself even if I tried. Of course I'm lucky that I've been able to control my most extreme stim of rocking while in public. As I child I did other things. I would jump up and down on the spot or skip. Such a shame I still don't engage in those ones as I could sure as hell do with the exercise!

Occasionally when around other people I might fidget and twitch in an unusual manner causing people to look at me quizzically and enquire "Are you cold?"  Mostly it isn't a problem for me, except for the odd moments recently at home when I've started rocking only to stop abruptly, remembering that the boys friend/s were here and might spot me. Awkward.

The way I look it is, if that is the worst thing I do alone then so be it. Picking your nose and eating it is far worse. No, I don't do that. I really don't. I do pick at my ears sometimes. Shut up.

The only other things I may have done when nobody is looking is to engage in Covert Cakie Operations, otherwise known as sneakily eating cake when nobody is looking so I don't have to share. Ditto Covert Chocolate Operations. But nobody saw me, so it can never be proven. So ner.

Linking up with Kirsty from My Home Truths for I Must Confess.

                                           What do you do when you think nobody is looking?

Thursday, 18 July 2013

The Bogan Is Back!!

Hello everyone! I'M BACK!! How are we all? All my adoring fans. The whole two of you. I'm sure you've just been pining away waiting longingly for my words of wisdom. After all, who wouldn't?  Don't answer that. Ahem.

Anyway, I must confess that I've actually enjoyed having a bit of a bloggy break. I mean it is just so damn exhausting keeping up the standards that are necessary to be a Professional Bogan. Think about it. This means that I have to drag my sorry arse out of bed at 11am every single morning, or you know, just whenever I can be bothered, pull on my trackie dacks and ugg boots and then come up with these wonderfully witty and intensely riveting tales of our boring as batshit exciting and glamorous lives here in Boganville.

For instance, just this morning, I stumbled out of bed and bid farewell, bleary eyed,  to two out of three boys who set off to school, Micky Blue Eyes trailing behind them. Then I made myself porridge and positioned myself in front of the lap top where I proceeded to scroll down my Facebook news feed.

Fascinating stuff, right?

In addition to this, these last two weeks of my hiatus have been so action packed and absorbing that I simply do not know where to begin. Actually it was so exciting during the first week of the holidays that I can't even remember what happened. Yep, THAT exciting.

We did manage to get out for one of our ubiquitous Sunday drives. On a Sunday, strangely enough. Our destination was a nearby reserve or park type arrangement with picturesque gardens including a Japanese styled one. As soon as we disembarked from the car my head began to pound. Helpful.

 The boys sailed around merrily on their scooters while we meandered around behind them. Eventually though, my pounding head was too much to endure and we headed on to a nearby pub where we had lunch and I was able to have a much needed coffee and drugs. While there we decided it was indeed a very suitable and classy establishment in which to celebrate Mick's 50th birthday next month. There are pokies and everything. Noice.

The next day I did some grocery shopping, purchasing around 25 tonnes of food and spending around a billion bucks. Thereabouts*. This was all devoured within days.

On Wednesday Mr 11 became Mr 12, so I went to the tremendous effort of mixing up a packet cake for him. Caramel mud, to be precise. I certainly hope that child appreciates the sacrifices I make for him.  We then proceeded, clutching cake, to my parents house where the plan was to have pizza followed by the previously mentioned cake, with my brother and nephews also in attendance.

The only ploy to this plan was that I had apparently decided to have the Headache From Hell. AGAIN. Handy. This time no amount of coffee or drugs alleviated my pain. My head pounded steadfastly on. As it turned out, my Mum had also made her famous Apple Pie so the day could only be described as Headache Hell with an Apple Pie Heaven twist.

The next day we were scheduled to go the circus. I'm not sure why we would bother actually paying money for this when we can experience it at home. Mick is a clown, I'm the bearded lady and the boys are animals. Done. All we need is a trapeze. Just saying.

However, I was feeling somewhat wobbly and dizzy so I stayed home while Micky Blue Eyes took the boys and my mother-in-law in my place. Reportedly they had fun. Without me. How rude.

Then, after I started to feel a bit better I had another frightfully horrid wobbly, dizzy spell last Sunday, without ever even having a drop of alcohol. Smashing. What is with THAT? The no alcohol and the channelling Enid Blyton thing. Weird.

This has left me feeling rather despondent, dejected, gloomy, forlorn and any other sad adjective you can think of. I resisted the urge to consult a thesaurus there, you will be grateful to know. Suffice to say: Not. Happy. Jan. Hmph.

Then it occurred to me that a few days before these wobbly turns I was craving a good steak with a side of spinach. I NEVER crave spinach. I think my body is telling me to lay off the cakies and actually hit it with some nutrition including a bit of iron. Rude body. 

Therefore I am really in need of a good old Aussie Barbeque (you see how I did that, Loungers?)  with a steak the size of my head and lots of greenery on the side.  Weirdly enough, we just don't have enough barbecues. Disgraceful, if we are to call ourselves proud bogans.  Mick has some sort of paranoia about  gas ones, preferring the old fashioned wood ones. That all seems like too much effort for me to go to for a burnt sausage. Plus it is just too cold at this time of year.

I might have to make an exception though and get my barbeque on this weekend if possible. Why not? Bogans love burning things. We could even be really Klassy Bogans and throw a few pineapple rings on the barbie instead of shrimp. I have honestly never been to a barbecue where there have been 'shrimp' on the barbie, anyway. Plus, we call them prawns. Get it right, Hoges.

Until the next scintillating chapter, it's over and out from me.

*May be a slight exaggeration.

Linking up rather late (better late than never, right?) with Kirsty from My Home Truths for I Must Confess.

Also linking up with Robomum for The Lounge.

What exciting things have been happening in your world? Do you like a good old bogan BBQ?