Thursday, 13 June 2013

Leaves On A Stream


Hello there! I am dragging this old post out for The Laugh Link with Emily at Have A Laugh on Me. People told me it was funny.  Draw your own conclusions.


As a general rule I am usually quite placid and easy going. Consequently it does take rather a lot to really piss me off. So therefore I knew I was going to find this topic extremely difficult. Not much truly riles me. I am languid and sedate. Especially now, as I am slowly becoming proficient at this whole mindfulness marlarkey, you see. So even that barking dog next door, barely ruffles a reaction in me. I am focused in the present moment with impartial non-judgement. I won’t let it bother me. Nope. No way. It’s just a dog barking. ENDLESSLY. Big deal, right?

Similarly, that mountain of lego that seems to multiply and spread to every corner of the house, is just lego. Silly old lego. EVERYWHERE. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve trodden on it.  The hours that it takes to painstakingly make sure every single last piece of the crap, erm.. I mean, the lego, is off the floor before you can vacuum, is just another part of life. Impartial non-judgement. Yep, that’s me these days. I get it.  It’s neither good nor bad. It just is. Doesn’t bother me AT ALL.  If I miss a few pieces and therefore inadvertently vacuum them up, so what? It only means the vacuum cleaner will become blocked LOSE SUCTION AND I HAVE TO FUCK AROUND TAKING IT OUTSIDE AND TAKING IT APART TO SEE WHERE THE PIECE IS STUCK…but, oops, why am I shouting?  Sorry.  Back to the mindfulness. Breathe. It’s no big deal. This mindfulness is really the SHIZZ. Totally works.

If I slave over a hot stove cooking a wonderful meal for my family only to serve it up to three ungrateful bastards lovely boys who recoil in horror as if I had served them dog shit on toast, why should I let it get to me?  Especially if, at that precise moment, Micky Blue Eyes decides to talk to me about something accountant like and tedious important, saying something like “Blah blah blah spreadsheet, blah blah blah profit margins blah blah something blah blah”(or at least that’s what I hear), it doesn’t make me want to poke my own eyeballs out. No way. I’m too calm and centred for that.

I can sit down to have a cakie and it doesn’t annoy me that it’s bad for me, while boring old broccoli is extremely good for me. Because I’m eating mindfully, so that means I’ll be able to stop after a few mouthfuls. Somehow the whole cake is gone with those few mindful mouthfuls, though. Ahem. Details. 

I am totally grounded and centred in the moment. NOTHING bothers me anymore. Now that I am mindful the following things simply never annoy me AT ALL:

·       Waiting in queues.

·       Vague Facebook status updates.

·       Sales assistants who are nowhere to be seen when you need them, but fling the curtains back to the change rooms while hollering “How are you going in there?” when you are half naked.

·       My boys endless fascination with Spiderman and all superheroes.

·       Ditto their Harry Potter fascination.

·       The Voice judges and all of their phoney gushing over the contestants. When Ricky Martin says “you took me to another place” I no longer think, well why don’t you go to that place and stay there, Ricky? Nope. No way.

·       Having to share a computer.

·       Making a doctor’s appointment and STILL having to wait.

·       Making a doctor’s appointment at 8am for the first appointment to avoid the previously mentioned waiting and STILL WAITING.

·       The gross unfairness of male grooming and maintenance versus female grooming and maintenance.

·       Telemarketers.

·       Bra’s.

Yep, mindfulness has cured me of all of all that annoyance. What a relief Sigh.

 So when I went to see a shrink, riddled with crippling anxiety and she suggested this mindfulness crap technique and gave me a cd, which I listened to and some dude implored me in a flat monotone to just let my thoughts drift past like leaves on a stream, it didn’t totally annoy me that I paid $150 bucks an hour for this ABSOLUTE FUCKING CRAP!!! LEAVES ON A FUCKING STREAM!! I’M MORE LIKELY TO IMAGINE MYSELF THROWING THE FUCKING CD AT YOU!!  FUCKING MINDFULNESS!! GIVE ME SOME FUCKING VALIUM AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!!  YOU TOO, YOU FUCKING STUPID BARKING DOG!! FUCKING SHUUT UUUUUUUUUUUP!

AHEM.

Good lord. Where did that come from? Oh dear. Right then, I’m off to practice watching my thoughts drift past like leaves on a stream. Or, to kick something. One or the other.

Linking up with Kirsty from My Home Truths for I Must Confess.


Also linking up with The Lounge which is being hosted this week by Rachel from The VeryInappropriate Blog.


What are your pet peeves? Do you 'get' mindfulness?
Reactions:

41 comments:

  1. For the most part I am pretty laid back and relax, but every now and then, and I swear it is only every now and then ;) I just explode like a long overdue volcano erupting.

    I loved reading this post so much, brought a much needed smile to my rather grumpy mood. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely

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    1. I have been known to do that volcano thing on rare occasions too.

      Thanks, Rhianna Hugs and cakies to you, too. xo

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  2. Lego and un eaten dinners are in no way piss off factors!! Love this you are an absoluteclassic Ness!!

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  3. Don Vito Corleone in the film "The Godfather" said something like, "Never get angry. It affects your judgement". A Mafia Don can't have affected judgement. Vito also said, "Women and children can be careless, men can't."

    I'd say to Vito, with all due respect, you're not a woman, and you'll never know what it means to be one. Women are complex and sophisticated. They have emotions that they feel deeply. Their hormone levels fluctuate. They deal with reproductive related suffering.

    Hope I don't sound chauvinistic. I'm not. I just understand why. I won't try to fix it, like men try to do. I'll just be understanding. Ness, you deserve every courtesy for being a woman and for putting up with it all, even us dumb men.

    Ben

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    1. Yes, I'm the only female in this house, which is challenging but to be fair I can be moody and challenging to live with too. Hard to believe, right? Ahem.

      Thanks for reading. x

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  4. Loved the simile "as if I'd served them dog shit on toast" - a beauty! I know that feeling. My cooking, however, may be only slightly more appetising than dog shit on toast, so they may be justified...

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    1. Ha ha, my cooking is fairly mediocre too. That's on a good day. Other days, it's worse. x

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  5. So, how's the mindfulness working out for you? Heheheh. My understanding of mindfulness is different, my shrink had me thinking about what I was doin, being really aware of my breathing, what I am feeling, touching, tasting, smelling, all of that and being really there in the moment (baby), but I haven't really explored it past that. Still too busy trying not to beat anybody over the head with the soggy end of their armpit to have really focused on mindfulness, as yet :)

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    1. Not apparently aware enough to CHECK FOR TYPOS THOUGH!

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    2. Yeah, I was thinking that perhaps I'm not really 'getting' the technique properly. I'll take it up with my counseller again next week. Didn't really notice any typos there either.

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  6. A friend gave me a book on mindfulness and I got to chapter 3 before bottom-drawing it. I like the idea of mindfulness, I really do. I just can't seem to do mindfulness without thinking "Have I been mindful enough yet? I laughed out loud with this post, Thank you, Ness, cheers Leanne

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    1. You made it to Chapter 3? Well done lol xo

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  7. Hahahaha thanks for the laugh. I'll definitely be dropping around here more often. I can't get the whole mindfulness thing either, or meditation. I've tried countless times. After long yoga sessions friends have gushed over how they went to another place, I just can't seem to get there!

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    1. I can't get there either. Sigh.

      Thanks Renee, hope to see you around the blogosphere. xo

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  8. HEEEEEY I've got an idea! (And I SO hear you with the poking the eyes out BLAH BLAH BLAH listening) Why don't you go and actually LOOK at leaves floating past on a stream, while being mindful to let your thoughts drift past like leaves on a stream? I wonder if they'd turn into bits of lego in your mind, floating across the floor… Love this post.

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    1. BRILLIANT! Lego on a stream! Love it! xo

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  9. I tried mindfulness the last time I was seeing a psychologist - it just doesn't work for me. This time around I was upfront with my psych who agreed that in my current state, mindfulness was not going to work (I'm not sure if that's good or bad, to be honest). She still gave me a relaxation CD though which I still haven't listened to...my bad. I LOVE your list and this post - you make me laugh, Bogan Ness!

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    1. Yep, it may be a useful technique at other times but when you are highly stressed or anxious, it's really hard to 'ground' yourself. Hope you're traveling a bit better though. xo

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  10. I think you've really got a handle on this mindfulness shit - I'm just off to leave 'fuck you, I really don't give a shit' comments on all the vague Facebook updates - You are a true role model ...

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  11. Ness you are a legend! You make me laugh so much (even though I think you mean to be serious) Mindfulness would drive me insane-I guess that just means more money for the shrink...

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  12. That's like Seinfelds 'serenity now, insanity later' - heehee. I have to ask, what's with thevague fb updates? Is it to make people ask? If you don't want us to know, don't put it on fb for us to see!!!

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    1. Really don't see the point either. It's seems attention seeking. Ha ha. love Seinfeld. xo

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  13. Oh Ness - thanks for the laugh you provided !!!! I love the realness of your posts !
    I don't get the mindfulness. I have tried on occasions to eat mindfully - it normally lasts for one or two mouthfuls and then I forget, wolf my food down and then look at my plate and wonder "Did I just finish all that I had dished up ? Oh dear, I was going to just see if I could eat half." !!! LOL if I only want to eat half a plate I need to only dish up half a plate !!!!
    I'm with you on the vague FB statuses/tweets - either say something or don't !
    Thank goodness we are past the lego stage but definitely agree, if I have the first appointment of the day (that I had to wait a week to get) how can you be running late already ????????????????????
    I hope you have a great weekend !
    Me

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    1. Thanks, dear, you are so sweet. I think the only way I can resist with food is to not have anything tempting in the house, ever.

      Yep, all those things. SO annoying. GRRRR.

      Hope you have a great weekend too. xo

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  14. OMG I AM SO FREAKING MINDFUL TOO! As in, I've had a MIND FULL of all the ENDLESS SHIT AND DRAMA AND WORRY and it is making me MENTAL I TELL YOU!

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  15. Oh honey - I am coming over to yours with a bottle of wine, a cake and a Best of The Carpenters CD. We can enjoy these things mindfully.
    Seriously great post.

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    1. I did get a chance to blast Carpenters today. It was AWESOME.

      Thanks, Mumabs. xo

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    2. I'll split the cab ride with you and bring and extra couple of bottles..... Love it!

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    3. Sounds like a plan. The only kind I make. xo

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  16. hehe love this post. You are amazeballs.

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    1. Thanks,dude, and you TOTES amazeballs, even! Good lord, how much wine have I had? xo

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  17. This is up there with your best work Ness. I've re-read it three times now and I'm still laughing! Leaves on a stream - what a load of SHITE. I hope you do go back and throw the CD at him. It might knock some sense into him xxx

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    1. It was a 'her', but yeah, I really should have. I stopped going to that particular shrink, but they all seem to be on this mindfulness trip these days.

      Thanks, Rach, glad to provide some laughter. xo

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  18. LOL as always you're hilarious. My pet peeves list is too long to leave in a comment. Breakfast dishes left in the loungeroom all day... clothes put in the wash inside-out with unspeakable things left in the pockets... reverse parallel parking... etc etc

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  19. Cracking up over this post. How did I miss it last year? You're awesome. :)

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  20. I love it! Very funny! Glad you linked it up. Rachel xx

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  21. You never fail to make me laugh, shake my head in agreement - I hate sales assistants who ignore you - and are on their phone all the time. And I wish men would shave their armpits, nothing worse than a cuddle or brush by your hubby when they are hot, in a singlet, VOMIT!

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  22. Haha I love it!! I am also not annoyed AT ALL by people who eat food on afternoon trains when my stomach is grumbling and all I can think of is getting home for dinner. Thanks for linking up!

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