Thursday, 30 May 2013

Bogan For Hire


The Lounge Lizards have us talking about careers and jobs this week, which is timely, as I happened to come across my old resume tucked away in a cupboard a few weeks ago. Upon perusing this ancient epistle, I was sincerely astonished.  Amazed, in fact. How it is that I never set the whole career world on fire with that thing I will simply never know.  I mean, apparently I could answer the phone and everything. Those are some serious skills right there.

Don't worry, if that sucker rings I know EXACTLY what to do.
 

This answering the phone ability certainly came in handy in THE WORST JOB I'VE EVER HAD. Which was in a call centre. Enough said, right?

It was a call centre for a major NSW Insurance Company and Road Side assistance concern. Let's just call them NR NO WAY. Their commercials would have you believe that they are exceedingly helpful to people. They probably are if you are broken down and need assistance. However, other than the exciting moment I actually spoke to Anthony Warlow when he called one day, I didn't find it find very helpful to my mental health working there.

 If ever I have to call them in present times I still have traumatic flashbacks to when I worked there. It was approximately 16 years ago since I left. It still haunts me. I sometimes have appalling nightmares that I am back there, with my head phones on and an obnoxious car dealer is shouting at me "ALPHA, ROMEO, FOXTROT, BRAVO, 137865 VICTORY, QUATRO!!"



Yeah, I didn't know what that meant either. My skin is crawling just thinking about it. Then there were the wonderful things we had there called Performance Reviews. My performance wasn't so sterling apparently. Hmph. Hard to believe with such an outstanding resume.

In addition to having the tremendous skill of answering the phone, one of the tasks I mastered in my role as an Assistant Library Technician at the State Library Of NSW many years ago, was the opening and sorting of mail. Impressive.  I simply don’t know how I never ended up actually becoming the State Librarian. 
Also, these skills were only the tip of the iceberg of my extraordinary ability. Evidently, I could also do filing and place bar code stickers on books!!  Such incredible attributes in one person!  Oh, and I could also shelve the books, use the photocopier and write up order forms!  I know. It’s just too much. No wonder I never achieved a permanent position in a library.  I was just too damn good.  Ahem.
Yep, I am ALWAYS doing this in my spare time.
I can even do this while eating cake. Or typing. Too easy.
If my stupendous skill list wasn’t quite enough awesomeness to take in, I was also intensely fascinating away from work. I had listed my interests as:  Reading, writing, typing, yoga, dogs and cooking. Interesting, since at the time I never managed to even write a shopping list, I accidentally murdered my dog , have dubious cooking skills and wouldn’t know a downward dog from a dagwood dog.  And since when is typing an interest? Typing??  I might as well have put down stamp collecting to make myself seem even more cutting edge.

Of course it has now been years, okay, decades, since I used all of those fabulous afore mentioned job skills. But, this is fine, because during  that time I have not been simply resting on my laurels. No siree. I have, in fact, added many more skills to my repertoire.

I completed a Statement of Attainment in something called Computing Skill For The Office to add to the Library Practice Associate Diploma that I completed more than 20 years ago.  In doing so I achieved a monumental typing speed of – wait for it- 33 standard words per minute!!   STUNNING! Skills, people. Skills.  Especially taking into account that typing was supposedly one of my interests.  Snorts.

I’m also mollified to realise that I have lovingly kept and archived my old High School written references should I ever decide to bring my brilliance back into the workforce. They are obviously essential in this day and age when prospective employers can Google  you instantly, and the only way that an employer would know that I was punctual and always had the necessary equipment required for lessons. That sentence alone is clearly enough to have me hired immediately. Ditto the fact that my appearance at High School was apparently neat and tidy. I’m also impressed that I had tact and diplomacy in my dealings with people. This trait was mentioned in both my Year 10 and my Year 12 references, when they obviously couldn’t think of an original way to put a positive spin on the fact that I never uttered more than three words during all of high school. Maximum.

 But even taking everything that I have already mentioned into consideration this is still only the tip of the iceberg in regard to how brilliant and employable I am. I mean, I have so many other untapped skills and abilities that I would need to add to an already overwhelmingly wonderful resume. They would include the following:
·         I know the words to every single Carpenters song ever recorded.
·         I also know the words to quite a lot of ABBA songs.
·         Ditto Barbra Streisand songs
·         I am completely mute and silent at least 99.9% of the time. You know, the whole ‘tact and diplomacy’ thing. This is a helpful attribute in the workplace, because haven’t we all had work colleagues that we wish would just shut the fuck up?
·         I can eat my entire body weight in cake on a daily basis.  Essential for all the birthday celebrations that might take place in a busy office in any given week.
·         I have Ass Burgers Aspergers and everybody knows that all Aspie people are genius’s. Just because I haven’t figured out exactly what my genius is yet, doesn’t mean I’m not one.  I must be.  Of course I am. Shut up.
·         I have the singular ability to stare into space vacantly for long periods of time. An intense form of daydreaming meditation that makes me much more relaxed and focused at forgetting  completeing my work.
·         Clearly I am an amazing writer and this blog is a testament to that, having won the obscure but prestigious Best Blog Featuring Bogans Award.
·         Oh alright, I made that last bit about the award up. But, if there really was such an award OF COURSE I would win it, right?
·         I can make up all this boring as batshit bogan bullshit. Brilliant. And clearly I rock alliteration.
Right then. There we have it. The blinding brilliance that is me.  I may as well stop there or we could literally just be here for DAYS.  I’m off to re-write my resume.  I’m sure the perfect job for a mute, cake- eating, Carpenters obsessed Aspie who can type 33 words per minute and sort mail is out there. Don’t bother applying. It’s MINE. So ner.

Linking up with The Lounge, which is being hosted this week by Kim from Falling Face First.
 

 
Is your resume as brilliant as mine?  What incredible skills do you possess?  And what was your worst EVER job?
Reactions:

38 comments:

  1. Ness. I am killing myself laughing - this is your BEST. POST. EVER. "Punctual and always had the necessary equipment required for lessons" -BAHAH. Clearly your Ass Burgers' genius is blogging. That is all. xx

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    1. It is? I am? Oh, okay, if you say so. This is my best post and I'm genius blogger. Totally.

      Thanks,dude. xo

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    1. I'd like to thank all the bogans out there, for giving me something to aspire to. This is SUCH an honour. *sobs*

      Ahem. Just practicing my imaginary acceptance speech for my imaginary award. As you do.

      Delete
  3. Bahahahaha! I love this post, you've written it so well! There is definitely a perfect job out there for you with all your awesome skills! Speech writer would surely become you'd excel at!

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    1. YES! That's IT! A mute speech writer! Perfect.

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  4. Bloody hilarious. Sorry for laughing at the acccidentally murdered your dog line. I actually do count typing as an interest. It is one of my weirder loves. I can type 99wpm if going flat out - but I am pretty sure your list of skills outweighs mine in every other respect :D

    (PS, this line will have me sniggering for hours - I’m sure the perfect job for a mute, cake- eating, Carpenters obsessed Aspie who can type 33 words per minute and sort mail is out there. Bloody brilliant.)

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    1. Phew glad I am not the only one who laughed at the accidentally murdering your dog line! This post is hilarious Ness and totes deserves all of the awards!

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    2. Thanks Tegan, I graciously accept any fictitious awards. Let's face it, they're the only ones on offer.

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    3. Thanks Ace. Yep, I am totally brilliant. Except for the typing thing. And being a dog murderer, and the muteness and....never mind...

      Delete
  5. PMSL - I have just got the strangest look from my daughter for kakking myself laughing while reading your post !!!
    Maybe you could get a job as a stand up comedian - you are heaps funnier than some of them I have seen on TV !!! I love reading your posts because I know that there is going to be something in them that appeals to me - every. single. time !!!
    Have the best evening and good luck on your job search - if I had a company I would hire you in a flash !!! Seriously - to have someone in the office with your sense of humour would be fantastic - it would brighten everyone's day !
    Me

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    1. First of all, THANKYOU for the huge compliment. I'm glad you enjoy my posts.

      But, see the thing is I'm only funny online or on paper. In person, I'm horribly shy and quiet. So, I'm not sure the stand up comedian thing would work. My speaking voice is barely louder than a whisper. Sigh.

      I'd love to come and work for you though, I can answer phones and I'll work for cake. xo

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  6. All the awards are yours! Love love lovethis!

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    1. Wheee, I'm an award winning blogger! Or employee. Or, delusional. Or,something...

      Thanks Ann! xo

      Delete
  7. I nearly accidentally buried the hamster once (ok, more than once if I'm honest) when it wasn't actually dead (well, except for that one time...). That's not really any thing like accidentally murdering your dog though is it - I'm thinking of adding empathetic to my resume ...

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    1. Yes, you totally should. And list hamsters as one of your interests.

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  8. You've done it again! Great post that had me chuckling along! As I unpacked, I too came across my résumé... I was too scared to look inside! Lol I am positive I had interests that would blow your mind - not! Bahaha loved yours! You would be a most sought after employee!

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    1. Thanks Cathy! I'm sure your resume is awesome and your interests too. xo

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  9. Love this! And yep my resume looks just as silly Good there be two bogan jobs available out there :)
    Lucky for me I get to stay at home with two of our sons!

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    1. Yeah, I think I'll be doing the SAHM thing for quite a bit longer, somehow. Thanks for reading. x

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  10. Ha ha Ness, good luck with the job hunting! And I bet you've got many hidden talents, it's all about talking yourself up these day anyhow! Hat off to you I could NEVER do a call centre, I'd start yelling at peeps down the phone - esp if they were rude! Em

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    1. Thanks, Emily! That's the one skill I don't have: TALKING. Le sigh. xo

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  11. My husband's first job was with NR No Way. I think it was mutual when he decided to leave.
    And yes, knowing all Carpenters and ABBA songs are invaluable skills to have! Every employer should realise that!

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    1. Agree. INVALUABLE. What more would I need? Ahem.

      Thanks for reading. xo

      Delete
  12. Ness...I love your post! I'm so laughing! When I landed a job on the phones boy was I 'skilled'. This then followed 2 more jobs on the phones. Boy was I wrong...I had nothing cause the stupid ol' Modern Alarms had me cause I couldn't talk to those cold customers. It totally freaked me out!

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    1. Thanks Judy! And, yes FREAKY stuff, Call Centres. xo

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  13. I feel your call centre pain. (7 years in Telstra... *shudder*).
    I still have "Typing - 88wpm" on my resume! I'm so proud of that Grade 10 exam result!

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    1. 7 years? Hugs to you, dear. 88wpm IS impressive. xo

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  14. You murdered the dog? My God. You Cruella de Ville you.
    Ness if it makes you feel better if I had the ability I would hire you in an INSTANT. AN INSTANT I SAY!

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    1. I should have possibly clarified the dog thing. She ate some baits for rodents under the house and died. I felt like a murderer though. Sigh.

      I would love to work for you. Let me know when you start your empire. Firm cakie every hour policy, I expect. xo

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  15. Oh I feel your pain, I worked in a Call Centre also - in the rates department of a large city council. *Hold me* ... I also spent some time working in a library, have amazing skills at smiling and being polite to customers when actually I wanted to ... well never mind!

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    1. Oh dear a rates department. I could just imagine the abuse you would have received. I love libraries but am not so good at the people side. Thanks for reading. xo

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  16. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    my web blog: video to mp3 online

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  18. Oh god! This post! Unfortunately as the weeks have gone on it turns out I still don't have the ability to hire you. In fact I had to let go of my Staff last week. And by staff I mean my fortnightly cleaner. *weeps in a pathetic first world problem kinda way*

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  19. You don't realise how critical the cake eating skill is! It's practically mandatory in my company given how many morning and afternoon teas there are. For what it's worth, your writing skills are A+ and humour - outstanding!

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