Friday, 22 February 2013

Bogan Mrs Bean

It is becoming increasingly clear to me that I am a kind of bogan Mrs Bean. Hapless, awkward. Constantly doing bumbling, embarrassing things. Actually it’s been obvious for a long time. Recent events have just emphasised this.

For instance, there was the day when I had an  appointment to go to. As is my usual  tendency, I have no concept of  time or time management. I figured I could easily  manage to dye my hair, have a shower, put a bit of slap on, blow dry my hair and have ample time to drive the half hour it would take to get to my appointment. Wrong. 

I had planned what I was going to wear, but when I put the dress on, it made me look distinctly pregnant. With quads. So, I figured I should stick to the ‘pregnant with twins’ look I normally go for and decided on a different outfit.

My hair ended up a glorious hue of bright orangey red. Sort of Julia Gillard meets Pauline Hanson. Classy. Then, when I was rushing to get out the door, I couldn’t find my handbag, glasses, keys and had approximately 500 brain explosions. Finally, I made it into the car, already running late and realised, oh fuck, I need petrol, as the gage pointed ominously pointed towards empty.

 I stopped at the first petrol station. I can never remember which side the petrol thingy is on, so I became all bewildered and bamboozled. Conscious of being I late, I frantically leaped out of the car, slamming the door and ripping my skirt which was caught in it.

Meanwhile, my Julia Gillard hair, which I so lovingly blow dried has been well and truly blow dried in the sense of blown to smithereens by the wind. I am not happy.

A few rather charming words later, I retrieve my ripped skirt and flounce around to the petrol bowser. I’ve forgotten to open the door thingy to  the petrol cap. Swearing, I stomp around and flick it open. So I think. However,it soon becomes clear I’ve opened the boot instead. Fuck, fuckity fuck, I’m late! After several attempts to get the pump going I finally have petrol. We have lift off.

I reach my appointment, mercifully only ten minutes late. Okay, twenty. But at least I cut out the waiting room time. I spend the next 30 minutes allowing my shrink to convince me that I’m a great Mum just by being loving and demonstrative. So what if I regularly forget what day it is, to sign school notes and the boys are being brought up in a messy, dishevelled house? I’m distracted, wondering if I left the iron on, until I realise, there is certainly no chance of that happening. I never do ironing. I may have left my hair straightener plugged in. I mentally prepare myself for a stern lecture from Micky Blue Eyes on the perils of doing so.

Leaving the appointment, I remember I need to grab some groceries on the way home. Naturally, the list I wrote is sitting somewhere at home. I head to Aldi anyway. It’s cheap and I can possibly scrape up enough cash for a few essentials. I have no change for the trolley. Trudging back to the car, I grab the pram from the boot, I’ll use that instead. I wheel it in there, receiving odd looks from other shoppers at the sight of me with a stroller, sans toddler. Studiously ignoring them, I load a few essentials onto the pram. Finally I make it to the check out. At which point I become panicky as they check through the groceries at break neck speed, I frantically throw them onto the pram and fumble for the cash in my purse. I hand it over, smiling weakly and continue throwing the rest of my things haphazardly onto and under the pram.
“Have a nice day.”the cashier says in a monotone, thrusting my change at me. She continues to survey me with a sour expression as I simultaneously struggle to grab the last few items and stuff the coinage in my purse amid audible impatient sighs from customers lined up behind me. Finally shoving my purse away, I heave the heavy pram, laden with groceries away from the the check out. Items tumble off onto the floor. I scoop them up hurriedly, ignoring the pitying glances of other shoppers as they wheel their tidily packed  trolleys out the door looking smugly superior.
I hate queues..but I'll queue
up for plonk

On the way out I spot the new alcohol section, a recent addition at my local Aldi. Deciding a five dollar bottle of plonk will be just the thing to help soothe my shattered nerves, I dump the groceries in the boot and head back in. Clutching my plonk, I join a queue yet again. I feel like I deserve a medal for bravery just for doing this simple task. Waiting in queues makes me feel ridiculously anxious for no reason. Clearly I am a thoroughly logical person. The young woman in front of me is holding the same bottle of plonk,  The cashier asks for ID but doesn't ask me. I decide there are some distinct advantages to being an old bag as I leave with my plonk and the young woman leaves empty handed.

Arriving home I realise that I've forgotten approximately five things that were on the left-at-home list. I may have to face the joy of going back again. But why do today what you can put off for tomorrow?

Fast forward to this week and I have continued in my space cadet ways by finally remembering to take some gifts/items to post to online friends, which were promised months ago, and, in some cases, even, years ago. Then, en route to the post office I suddenly remembered I did not have the addresses to post them to with me. Additionally, I'd also forgotten my mobile, so I could not text them to ask their address. Sigh.

On the plus side, I managed to buy a lovely bogan outfit from Millers (tres classy) to wear to my sister in law's black and bling themed 40th birthday party, where, no doubt, I will sit quietly in the corner. But, at least I will be sitting quietly in the corner dressed appropriately.

There are so many more silly things I've done, but naturally, I've forgotten them. Or, I want to forget them. Now, I'm off to the shops again to attempt to post these thing once and for all. I'm walking there for exercise. I won't ruin my effort when I get there by having a coffee and a cakie. Nope. No way. I never do things like that.

PS. I was so disorganised and sucky with my time management, yet again, that I ended up driving to the shops. Without the parcels I had to post.  Enough said.

Linking up with Kirsty from My Home Truths for I Must Confess.



Do you forget things? Or frequently have embarrassing moments? Please tell me I'm not the only one...

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17 comments:

  1. Julia would be proud of you

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  2. But on the plus side, you provide much entertainment to me :)

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  3. I used to have the best memory but now I'm lucky to remember to check that I have matching shoes on every morning! 3 kids have that effect, I believe!!!!

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  4. I've never had a good memory, (only for things that are completely unhelpful in life)so yes, having kids definitely led me from bad to worse.

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  5. Loved reading this post! You paint such a vivid picture... And while I always attempt to be organized, I've had my moments like this as well. Thanks for the laugh :)

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  6. I have way too many moments like this, but glad to give you a laugh. Thanks for reading. x

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  7. You are hilarious Ness! Such a great writer. On a serious note, have you ever been tested for ADHD? I'm on Ritalin and it has helped my memory and time management skills a lot. If you Google 'ADHD test' there are online tests you can do that will give you a score to see how likely you have attention issues. I love my Ritalin.

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    1. Thanks Vanessa! Btw really enjoy your blog too, but cannot comment as have wrong browser. Note to self: Fix it!

      It's funny you say that about ADHD. I haven't been tested, but I've thought for years I may have some type of ADD. I do have Aspergers and I believe sometimes they go together. I thought there was not much point in getting tested, as I was tested for the ASD and then received no help anyway. Sigh. But, maybe it is worth looking into. Thanks. x

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  8. That is the WORST feeling, being in a rush to get somewhere and then realising you have to get petrol. GRRR.

    Yep, I think we've all had days like this ...

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  9. Tom me this sounds like a symptom of BAD - Blog Addictive Disorder. Blogging and social media can turn even the most focused and goal orientated of us into a distracted mess ;-)

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  10. Oh Ness it all sounds so eerily familiar!! Wonderfully written! Love your blog - so much fun!!

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  11. Too funny! I've just had a complete week like that.

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  12. I've had some days like that recently where nothing at all goes right. Although I have so far avoided the Julia Gillard look! Thanks so much for sharing this again Ness!

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  13. Hilarious! Hope you have a better week this week. x

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  14. Oh, Ness! Thanks for the chuckle (sorry LOL!!) So good to know that we are all so very human ;) Love it x

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