Thursday, 31 January 2013

Not Another Bogan Holiday

We finally touched down at Sunshine Coast Airport after our dangerous mission, exhausted but relieved.  I braced myself for the next dilemma. Finding our accommodation. I may have mentioned that I cannot read maps. 

First of all we had to pick up our car, which wasn't located at the airport. We called and they arranged to pick us up. Since there were five of us I had to wait while Micky Blue Eyes took the boys back to their office to organise the paperwork. 

Pacing backwards and forwards in the intense sun, I briefly toyed with the absurd notion of heading back into the airport to jump on the next flight to Melbourne to surprise an online friend.  I could deal with the resulting divorce later. Didn't do it, dammit.  For I was about to become more stressed. I do not fear flying. I do fear maps. With good reason.

We circled around various areas in search of our accommodation, bewildered. It  was supposed to be on the Esplanade. Should be simple, right? Wrong. There appeared to be more than one Esplanade. We were on the wrong one. Which was fortunate because it was  looking a bit dodgy.  Eventually we found the place only to be directed to an even more dodgy car park underneath the apartments with an extremely tight narrow space. We all waited with bated breath as Mick backed in.  Being a hire car, we were very cautious about procuring even the slightest scratch.

The next morning I staggered out of bed feeling like a zombie and saw all of these demented fit, energetic people jogging up and down the esplanade. Bugger that. These bogans were headed for the beach however.  At which point, I discovered I'd forgotten to pack my bikini. Possibly due to the fact that I've never owned one in my life ever. Fortunately, as I'd forgotten to have the lipo-suction, boob lift, tummy tuck, spay tan, waxing extravaganza which would be required for me to be seen dead in one. So I settled for the daily routine of dousing myself in approximately 675 layers of 30 plus sunblock, putting on boardies and a t-shirt and being done with it.

Day two meant a trip to Australia Zoo. A most entertaining day out if you enjoy becoming bankrupt (crikey, it's expensive) while melting in excruciating heat that would make the 7th circle of hell seem like the arctic. You know, with a few animals thrown in for good measure. Leaving there, we travelled further afield to a dairy farm. There were quite a ridiculous number of cows. We just missed the actual tour which would have included being able to milk the bovine beasts. This meant we could just skip to the best part. Tasting. Ice cream. Yum!

Another outing involved a cruise on the canal gawking at the multi-million dollar mansions that most likely feature walk in closets the size of our entire bogan box.  One was the three million dollar home purchased by Steve and Terri Irwin, which Terri now apparently just uses as a holiday home. Reportedly Russell Crowe had recently been staying there. This may explain why, when, a few days later we dropped into a bakery for a cakie fix, we discovered Russell Crowe had been there just the week before.

As we drifted past we also saw the boat which Steve Irwin supposedly died on, The Croc One, parked outside the mansion. Frankly, at this point I couldn't be bothered moving to take a photo and neither could Mr11 apparently. He managed to get this half arsed shot as we sailed past.  Seriously I do not know where that child gets his lazy tendencies from. Ahem.



Our next destination was Hervey Bay where we were staying at a place called The Coconut Palms. A more appropriate name would have been The Inconvenient Poles. There were poles a plenty. You were meant to park in between them. Just when you thought you'd spotted every pole there was yet another pole seemingly appearing out of nowhere. Yep, you guessed it. The inevitable happened. Mick hit a pole when reversing into our spot. Luckily he'd taken insurance so we were covered but it was still a proverbial pain the posterior.

We spent most of the time in Hervey Bay visiting Mick's sister. I celebrated my birthday there.  42 was just another number and not the enlightening experience I had hoped. Sigh. My sister-in-law was kind enough to give me a gift of various goodies, including chocolates, mascara, sun block and an intensive anti-wrinkle moisturiser. But I choose not to take offence at the latter. She just gave them to me because she works in a pharmacy, so she gets her hands on this stuff easily, right?

Leaving Hervey Bay, we headed back to Coolum. The most exciting thing that happened there was that Micky Blue Eyes took the boys to Brisbane to see a soccer game at Suncorp Stadium, so consequently I had some quiet time. Yes, that is exciting. Shut up. On the last day there we went for a drive to Eumundi. Spotting a bakery/cafe, we decided coffee and cakies would be most welcome and pulled up in front of the establishment. At which point, a woman promptly appeared and shut the doors to close up, glaring at us she did so, as if appalled at the idea of any bogan customers. Hmph. I should have stomped up to her huffily a la Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman exclaiming "You just shut your door on us! Big mistake, HUGE mistake, you just missed out on business from the Cakie Queen! You would have at least trippled your daily profits! And we went to the same bakery as RUSSELL CROWE, so yours isn't even good enough for us!! So ner!"

Driving on we ended up at Noosa Heads, where obviously we were not about to attempt to enter any of the posh restaurants lining the street, and being glared at yet again like the pathetic (but hungry) bogans we were (or are). Instead we ended up in a deserted food court where the only shop open was a kebab place so we feasted on kebabs and hot chips. Classy. Hunger pangs satisfied, we headed to the beach. We sat down while the boys frolicked on the sand. It was a most beautiful scene, with the sun beginning to set lazily over the ocean, but I am not very good at descriptions (or photography) so you'll just have to imagine it.

There were many people and sand castles dotting the beach, including a most impressive one, resembling an Indian Temple. Obviously it had been painstakingly created by some nearby Indian men.  As we sat admiring it, Mr4 barrelled towards it. Cringing, I tensed as the inevitable happened before I could move to stop him and he pounced on it, destroying it immediately. The Indian men looked on, but luckily did not comment. It was a good time to leave.

Twenty four hours later, we were back in Boganville where we belong. Until another bogan holiday.

Linking up with The Lounge which is being hosted this week by Rachel from The Very Inappropriate Blog.





Do you think that woman in the bakery/cafe was a snooty bitch, or do you run for cover when you see bogans coming too?
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26 comments:

  1. Hilarious Ness! You are one comic writer.

    Um... do I go running when bogans are in sight? Maybe. But if I was running a business, a bogan's money is just as good as anyone's.

    Great post, love.

    V.

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    1. Thanks Vanessa! *Grins* Yeah exactly, we would have spent up big. I like my cakies.

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  2. What's so terrible about bogans anyways? Ah Noosa - just a scenic romantic destination. A perfect place for a honeymoon (when you're taking your 9 month old with you)

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    1. Ha ha, you didn't? And yes, I think we're perfectly reasonable cake eating bogans and not scary at all...well, maybe a little scary...

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  3. I find bogans strangely soothing. I don't fit in any category, no country, no peer group, nothing quite fits. You know that saying about not wishing to join any club that would have me...At least bogans wait until they know before running for the hills ;) Hey, maybe I'm a bogan! (Nah, I tried it for size when I was in Scotland and they kicked me out of their club too :))

    It might be old age, but I find myself increasingly fascinated by men with tattoos as well. (No might about it really). And so long as someone is pleasant to me, I will be pleasant back. Nine times out of ten the ones who don't imagine they are better than others are the pleasant ones, so colour me a bogan fan :)

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    1. 'Nine times out of ten the ones who don't imagine they are better than others are the pleasant ones' SPOT ON.

      I tend not to fit in either, so we can be misfits together.Despite being in Boganville, not sure if I *really* am one..shhhh, don't tell anyone or my cover is blown.. Hugs to you.

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    2. Also, so true, Australia Zoo is one hell of an expensive day out!

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    3. Yeah, but I suppose we won't really be going back in a hurry, living in Sydney, so it's a one off expense and we may as well enjoy it.

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  4. Haha! I think you totally should have pulled a Julia Roberts a la Pretty Woman! Woulda served Snooty McSnooterson right :)

    I feel like I am learning so much about Australian culture by reading your blog! :) And I'm thoroughly amused and getting quite a few chuckles out of it too. Thank you!

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    1. I SO should have. And I should have demanded an apology with cakies included.

      Um, not sure if I'd rely on my blog as the sole representation of Aussie culture...but, thank YOU, for coming back and reading. Appreciate it. xo

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  5. Oh Ness -I can picture the sand castle incident. My two are capable of such cringe-inducing acts!

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    1. SO embarrassing.

      Thanks for reading. xo

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  6. Hilarious! Oh god the sandcastle....nooooooo!
    We haven't been to Australia Zoo exactly for that reason - so spensive!!!!

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    1. I guess it was worth it for us because we don't get up there all the time. The boys enjoyed it.

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  7. Ah, I love the Sunny coast. We're about due another trip up there ourselves actually. We do a pilgrimage to Australia Zoo for the kids' birthdays (but only when we have 2-for-1 vouchers!)

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    1. Oh yeah, I wish we'd had those vouchers. Oh well. Hope you make it back there soon. x

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  8. So funny Ness! I am a little shocked that Steve & Terri have a 3 million dollar yacht! Surely they can afford to get out of all that khaki uniforms ha ha..that bakery lady did sound a bit snooty..

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    1. I think it was actually Steve and Terri's mansion that was worth 3 mil. Not sure about the yacht. I guess that would be pricey too, so yeah, what's with all the khaki.

      And the bakery woman was snooty. Hmph.

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  9. I covered my mouth in horror and my eyes widened as I read the bit about the sandcastle...what is it with kids? We went to this Omani Cultural day and they'd built this palace of sand over 3 days and the 2 six year olds with me went to jump on it (on a podium, I might add) I screamed like a crazy lady and by a miracle, they stopped in their tracks!

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    1. PHEW, that was a miracle. I don't know what it is, I thought it was just that my kids are feral, but there must be a lot more ferals out there than I thought.

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  10. Oh wow what an eventful holiday! I would love to take DS to Australia Zoo, he would just wet his pants with excitement over the animals!

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    1. Yes, he would love it. Go when it's not school holidays and now during the winter months would be good. It was SO HOT the day we were there.

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  11. And there's no place like Boganville, right?
    That cafe lady sounds like an idiot, kissing goodbye to money like that. Hasn't she ever served hungry Bogans before?

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  12. Bogans are awesome and that lady probably had the crappest cakies in the whole state anyway. Sounds like a lovely holiday Ness. If you ever venture north again please let me know as I reckon our boys could go mental and have a blast while we have wine (and cakies if you insist!)

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    1. Ha ha, yeah the cakes were probably stale.

      I'd love to have a wine (or two) with you. I'm sure there will be a next time. xo

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