Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Hormones From Hell

I fear I am alarmingly fat. Side on I could definitely pass for being six months pregnant.  With quads. As for my notorious double chin.  It's becoming triple. I seem to remember life on a parallel universe where I could devour hot chips and lasagne while size 8 hot pants still fit. And as many chocolates as a chocoholic likes. Which is quite a lot, actually.  After all we all know the old line: The answer is chocolate. And I don't give a damn what the question is. Boom Boom.

Of course I am presently living in the wonderful world of PMS. Nothing is guaranteed to turn me into a sobbing wreck more than these feral hormones from hell. I will sob at the sight of a Huggies commercial. I will sob when pants that fit me yesterday, suddenly decide not to zip up today.

I will be found weeping tears of utter desolation, unable to contain my heartfelt and utterly sincere despair over - absolutely nothing. To only minutes later, feeling palpable rage, rancid and real, coursing through my veins.

Slamming doors and glaring at anyone who has the misfortune to glance in your direction.  Micky Blue Eyes innocently looks at me and enquires "New top, is it?"  I am certain that what he really meant was "Looking a bit pudgy aren't we?"  He becomes the unfortunate recipient of the 'death stare' and wisely retreats behind a newspaper without waiting for a reply. I will snap at my boys for the slightest thing then begin wailing seconds later convinced I'm The Worst Mother In The World Ever for behaving like such a monumental bitch.

You will find me walking around feeling like a bi-polar, bloated balloon, with breasts swollen to Dolly Parton like proportions, so tender to the touch that a mammogram would seem like fun in comparison to your partner even attempting to come near them in a futile attempt to have sex. SEX?!!!  You, must be joking, I hear all you ladies shriek along with me, just give me a jumbo size block of chocolate and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!

Of course, it's comforting to know that all of this will eventually subside only to be replaced by unbearable cramps, the equivalent of 500 knives being stabbed into your lower pelvic area and twisted around torturously for several days, after which you have the luxury of being allowed to be normal again for a couple of weeks (assuming you are one of the lucky ones who has clock work cycles, most of us don't) before - YOU START IT ALL OVER AGAIN!!!

Then, if all of that isn't bad enough, the only way out of this cycle of hellish hormones is to get older and then experience the wonderful world of even more hellish hormones called - menopause.  This is a prospect that sounds about as thrilling as being forced to attend a One Direction concert with a bunch of those idiotic, screaming teenage girls, with their hormones raging. GAH! You see what hormones are responsible for??!!

Linking up with Kirsty from My Home Truths for I Must Confess.


What causes you to have a good old sooky la la sobbing session?
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11 comments:

  1. I have the hot water bottle ready for you...

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  2. Ah yes, hormones. I forgot about them but definitely bring on the tears in this house too ...

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    1. Hugs and cakie things. Lots of cakie things...xo

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  3. HAHAHA As I clicked on your link, I thought: Ness will have a great post for crying and I was not disappointed. I can agree totally with everything you are writing about. I often wish I could just curl in bed with a good book for PMS week but of course with a family you can't. Bring on the choccies!!

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    1. Yes, that is all I want to do too. Glad I didn't disapoint. :)

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  4. Dolly Parton proportions? Now you are just showing off.

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    1. You know me, always showing off and bragging about what a bogan I am. It's a sickness. Can't help it lol.

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  5. Bloody PMS! Not worth crying about yet we always do - it sucks! Thanks for linking up again Ness - I do love your posts!

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  6. Oh, Ness ... not a One Direction concert .... noooooooo! Bring anyone to tears that would!!! See you next month, choccies and all ;) xxxx

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    1. One Direction = nails on a chalk board. *shudders* I think I need those choccies RIGHT NOW.

      Thanks for reading. x

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