Today I was hit by a bus. Metaphorically speaking. Pushed way out of my comfort zone. Completely out of my depth. Feeling awkward, alien like and anxious. This happens every Wednesday. One word.
Playgroup. Actually it could be two words. Not sure.
It's only two hours a week. Two very over-whelming hours. For me, anyway. Noise. Children. Apparently they are essential for a Playgroup. Fleurescent lights. People. Lots of people. Scary.
Not to mention the giant huntsman that crept out to greet me in the bathroom there, a few weeks ago. Eeeeeeeeeek!
On any given week, there will be children running around playing, including my very own Master 3 (when he isn't clinging to me). Babies crying. Mum's chatting. Toys everywhere.
Where am I amongst all this? Standing, mute, in the corner, in quiet discomfort. It's not that the folk there aren't friendly and welcoming. They are. It's just me. Groups intimidate me. Always have.
Although I can sometimes manage an awkward one to one conversation, groups are a mystery to me. I have no idea in hell how to join in an already established conversation. Am clumsy at starting one. Posess zero ability to shout out and project my voice (which rarely reaches more than a whisper anyway) across a crowded room.
I can't bounce off people speedily with instant witty comebacks. Trade jokes and banter with effortless ease. I do not have instant rapport with anyone I meet or make friends easily wherever I go. Let's not even talk about eye contact. Impossible. Just. Does. Not. Compute.
I am capable of being a loyal friend and confidante, I know that, but not capable of making them easily. Luckily, I do have my family and a small group of friends who seem to accept me the way I am (the quietest person in the room where ever I go) for which I am very grateful.
Plus, when at Playgroup, or anywhere for that matter, I seem to have a decidedly unhelpful habit of comparing myself to all the other mothers. How on Earth do they manage to look so neat, tidy and frankly, awake? Wearing white. White. With children. Just. Does. Not. Compute.
In addition to this, their children tend to look like they've just stepped out of a Target catalogue. My Master 3, on the other hand, looks like he's been dragged backwards through a hedge, wearing faded hand me downs, impeccably ironed to perfection though, of course, ( if you have been reading all my posts you will know I just made that last bit up, just wanted to check if you are paying attention) including a Spiderman shirt that belongs to a dress-up suit, at least a size too small. As well as sporting a dodgy at home hair cut. Classy.
The main thing is, he seems to have a good time. So I will keep going, and hopefully he will learn to navigate groups with slightly more ease than his mother. Also, even the most quiet, shy, introverted Aspie craves company sometimes. Even if I do come home exhausted, wanting quiet time. If such a thing even exists as a mother of three boys!
I just hope that the huntsman spider doesn't make another appearance. That thing was huge. Eeeeeeek!