Saturday, 17 March 2012

Wallowing

"Darkness surrounds my loneliness.  Pervading my soul, it stirs my silent anguish."  I wrote those melodramatic words feverishly on a scrap of paper at around age 14 (there abouts) as I sobbed in my bedroom.  My favourite past time.  Nothing has changed at age 41. 

It seems at times there's nothing I like better than a good old sooky la la sobbing session.  Not to be confused with  Weepy, Mopey, Why Me?, Melodramatic Melt Down Mode, which I quite enjoy at times too.  Instead of silent tears of despair, this version involves racking, heaving sobs and sometimes howling like a banshee.  Occasionally items are thrown.

Especially when my husband has the audacity to inform me, in the midst of it all, that I should be jumping for joy.  In my defense I'd had a raging headache for 3 weeks straight ( I kid you not) and could not be held accountable for my actions.

Of course I would like to believe that I am just an extremely sensitive individual with deeper emotions than others.   Somebody who feels things intensely.  Instead of just the miserable, pitiful, wallowing, self-indulgent sook I really am.  After all I have a real reason to sook.

All my life I have never fit in with others.  Painfully shy, quiet and introverted, I would rather the ground open up and swallow me into a vortex than to have to answer a direct question or be the centre of attention for even a nano-second.

This probably explains somewhat why, when I heard Carpenters music for the first time at age 11, I was immediately drawn to Karen Carpenter's voice.  Rich, soothing, intimate.  Singing such unspeakably mournful lines like:

"I'll say Goodbye To Love, no one ever cared if I should live or die..."  OR

"Day after day, I must face a world of strangers, where I don't belong, I'm not that strong.."

This was EXACTLY how I felt.  As well as this, naturally:

"What I've got they used to call the blues, nothing is really wrong, feeling like I don't belong..."

In fact, I've never belonged.  In addition to crippling shyness, I am also an Aspie, an affectionate term for a person with Asperger's Syndrome.  I was not aware of this fact until age 40, just last year.  However, I've always been acutely aware that I am different from others.   Others love socialising for hours.   Others don't  love blissfully rocking backwards and forwards to Carpenters music for hours.  Instead they would possibly be more tempted to open a vein if they had to listen for even a second!

Sometimes it's hard and very disconcerting to realise that I am 41 and basically haven't matured beyond age 14.  And that I will always be different to others.  The quietest person in the room, no matter where I go.  In fact, if I had a dollar for everytime I've been informed of how quiet I am, I would be a very rich woman indeed.   It's funny how people think it is their duty to inform you of this, but somehow they never tell overly loud people to just shut the hell up.  But I digress.

Then, on top of all my wallowing, I end up feeling agonisingly guilty for feeling sorry for myself at all.  After all there are many people battling life threatening illnesses ( which I've experienced directly with family members) and I just can't seem to get it together, get over it, get on with it, get a job, or even socialise without feeling like I've been run over by a truck.  But, as Rudy Simone says in her book Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome "telling a person with Asperger's to just get on with it is like telling a person in a wheel chair to just take the stairs to get to the second floor" And I'm sure this applies to anyone suffering from depression, Aspie or not.

So I will allow myself to wallow.  A little bit anyway.  To have my frequent 'sook' sessions. I'll put on Karen, allow her to soothe me.  Then I will quietly get on with life the best I can.  As a quiet, shy, Aspergirl who needs a good sook as much as a good book.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNGanUj8HHI
Reactions:

14 comments:

  1. Aspie or not, you're a talented,intelligent and caring lady with much to offer. Love

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    1. Thanks for saying that, appreciate it. x

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  2. I love your blog Ness and I love that you can so eloquently share your experiences on the spectrum. As a parent to an Aspie girl myself, I find your insights invaluable - hopefully it will help me better understand what my daughter is going through as she grows.

    Besides, I'm a huge inner bogan and I absolutely love your sense of humour! Thanks for linking up to I Must Confess Ness!

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    1. Thanks Kirsty. Your children are very lucky to have you, just like I was with my Mum.

      And yes, we all have a little bit of bogan in us lol

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  3. This is a very courageous post and especially for the first one. I'm sure your experience will help many others. I admire the fact that you took a plunge and decided to start your blog. thank you for sharing Ness.

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    1. Thanks Rita. Well actually I had no idea what I was doing when I started (hmm, still don't really) and put my About Me as my first post and later changed that to a stand alone page, so maybe that is technically my first post? Regardless, thanks for reading and the kind remarks.

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  4. I think you need to do what you need to do to self-soothe.

    I had my first major depressive episode at 14, but no-one noticed and I had no words to tell anyone how I felt, or even write about it. We just did not discuss feelings in my family. Instead we raged and shouted. I think those words you wrote at 14 are beautiful.

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    1. Thankyou Dorothy, I thought they were kind of melodramatic lol

      I never talked about it either, not much of a talker period, plus on the surface I had nothing to be depressed about as I had wonderful parents, good health etc. I just didn't know I was Aspie at the time. Sigh.

      Anyway, hope you are travelling better these days and thanks for reading. x

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  5. A beautiful post. I have really enjoyed getting to know you through your blog and social media. I agree with Dorothy, you do what you do, who cares what anyone else thinks because really in the scale of things you could do, listing to music isn't a bad one :)

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    1. Thanks Tegan, I've enjoyed getting to know you too. And yeah, it's not so bad and plus it's payback to the boys, they torture me with lego, star wars, soccer etc, I torture them with Carpenters. It's only fair lol

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  6. You write beautifully. Why do people feel the need to tell you that you're quiet? I get that all the time. It is good to get to know you better Ness. x

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  7. Thanks so much Melanie, it's good to get know you too. Yeah, as I mentioned nobody tells overly loud people to shut up, although I do feel like it at times lol

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  8. Hi Ness,

    I have enjoyed reading your post, I have a close friend with an Aspie son, so I have found this really interesting.

    Nothing wrong with being the quiet one in the room, that would be me too, just because Id rather not talk to people I don't know.

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    1. Thanks Sophie. I'm usually very quiet even with people I do know, but luckily have my family and some friends who accept me that way.

      Thanks for reading.

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